Did all that yesterday since I was rained out of doing the yardwork needed.
I may go over today and till under the cuttings now that the ground is damp again, not that hardened, near concrete hard stuff that I kept hitting.
Knowingly spent way too much time in reflection over an event at the J.O.B. on friday. Something I did, but wasn’t alone in when it came to the outcome. I was an asshole, I get that. But the guy that chose to walk has a history of doing so as well. I’m not gonna sweat his actions, I can only control my own. And I can’t say what I did was wrong, not completely. So I do what I do, watch the expletives more, and try to step out of the way more; let others figure it out.
Yeah, that was what yesterdays post was inspired by. Was I being Selfish, or Selfless? Or was I at some strange morphed up place where my need to be selfless was becominng selfish? Think about it; Had I hit the point where my needing to be helpful had become the pillar of my existence and selfish.
and around the wheel we go, lap 7489 on the same track and no answers forthcoming. Let it go.
here is what I do know. I’m going through some evolutions in my little reality, and maybe, my actions were fueled by my growing discomfort in the evolution. I was NOT the reason someone walked; I was their excuse for that walk. They made that choice.
My choices are getting stranger. Those choices are creating ripple effects in my daily life. I’m holding onto Utilities I don’t use because to have them shut off, only to be turned back on later would be cost prohibitive. I can spread that cost out over years by ‘maintaining the bill’. And I likely will need them at some point; especially if the idea of polebarn/shop comes to fruition. Or even just renting the place out.
But it still rubs raw in strange places. That rawness is starting to show externally. (at least to my eyes.)
Taking it day by day, and trying to not stress over what essentially is silly shit. and learning to let go the controls and let this life steer itself for awhile are not easy for me. That’s my selfish side showing. I’m a control freak in some regards. And years of reflection keep coming back to that and any improvements are slow slow slow.
No man is an island. There are days though where I feel I am that lsland and the horizon is far far away. Y’all are my sounding board in many ways. I vent thoughts here, see how they sound in the real world, not the echo chamber of my head, and adjust accordingly. The friends I can confide in are few and far between and just as muddleheaded as I am in their daily lives. Its why Brudda B, Brudda J and I schedule camping trips together. So we can get out, unwind and bend an ear and relieve some of the internal pressures we carry.
Kayaking fulfilled some of that, but the last year (one kayaking session of 30 minutes since October 2025) has removed that in essence. Too damned busy.
“Gonna have to make time”, they say
And the guilt of being frivolous is tangible. Some parental training is hard to erase, especially when you live next door to said parent still. At least I still have said parent in my life for a spell longer. More can’t make that claim and remind me of my adundance in that regard.
In that regard, Son of Bossman and I are similar. We live next door to our Da’s, are nearly the same age (as are our Da’s), similar upbringing (though not the same, he was always ‘rich’, I’ve most always been lower MC or lower.) and our Da’s were both raised dirt poor in this area, so have very similar outlooks on SCARCITY. We have moments where one will be talking about his Da, and the other is like “yup, same here, ” and we laugh about it, or we get confused about WHOSE Da is the subject at hand: and laugh about that.
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What do you want to do when you grow up?
And the internal conversation becomes “I’ll sell everything off and be a wandering monk in the wild” Gut reaction to displeasure with the modern world. Typical GenX retreat from pressure. And the reality: I’ll keep on keeping on, guide as I can, let the flows carry me when I can’t, and someday, maybe, see some light that means “this too shall pass” and let my ashes be scattered to the four winds. None of us is a permanent fixture in this world, and all we can do is attempt to leave something behind for others to recall us with. It may only last one generation, possibly two, and only a handful are able to create some legacy that reaches further than their own family lines.
I don’t want fame, but fortune sure would make the space between now and end a little more bearable.
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Alright: Y’all have had enough reading my thinks for the day. I need to get out, get paws bizzy and braincells sedated with mind-numbing labor (and maybe a few adult beverages). I have an engine that needs swapped if I want to get out kayaking again, and thats gonna take time (and money, but thats later) I have property that needs further cleaned, and a garden that needs planned out. ( I do NOT grow corn, but what do I want to grow? Dunno yet) Keep on keeping on, let the world sort its own shit out: I have enough issues to contend with here.
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