Ima chit somedays
Didn’t know I had an issue with things until yesterday eve, text messages between sisters.
Snapped on Eldest sis. Felt like a pre-emptive attack in self defense. I can be the Shit some days. (Note; I later apologized, but it was definitely a tactfully worded verbal assault .)
Took some time to step back and analyze my self/soul. And what I came up with was.
I’m fucking scared silly.
All the bullshit in the world reaching peak Clownworld status. The total failure that appears to be completely intentional of a superpower, so that it can devolve into a third world power (is that a thing?) watching local tyrants ride the wave of Covidiocy (the bug peaks before they crack down, but when they crack down, they double down on prior efforts. Just like a surfer trying to catch a wave.). Watching the IQ of the world losing altitude into potato levels.
And my Dad very nearly leaving my reality.
Yeah, I got scared. And hadn’t even realized HOW scared I was.
What isn’t clear is how scared I am of losing my dad. Or could it be having to face all of this with my dad in his current conditions. I think its more the latter function. Love my dad, but I know he’s tired and I won’t stand in his way if he decides ‘its time’.
I don’t leave wounded behind. Its hardwired in. And I know if shit went to Helena Handbasket right now,,,
And we are getting indicators, that may be the case.
I’m fucking scared silly.
So, now that I am aware of it, I can figure out what needs changed. First order of business is to get a second opinion on the urology thing. His heart thing seems well in order now, even though its still early in the game. But three weeks with a catheter in seems excessive to me. And that is what was told to him yesterday at the Urolgy docs. Is this a case of an enlarged prostate that needs time to settle down, or is there an underlying problem. And I have no clue what the doc said because that wave of covidiocy has reared its ugly head here and ONLY PATIENTS is the order of the day, again. (And I have alternate information about all of that, but its not relevant to this post)
Coffee is done, Kittehs fed, almost time to go play nurse before I go play welder, and somewhere in all the middles, try to figure how to ease my mind in a world gone mad.
More laters.
Thumbs a-twiddlin’
Sitting. Waiting. Deliveries behind schedule, parts to install but no parts to be had. Pay based on work done, not time spent so pay is zip currently.
Sitting. Waiting. TPTwB pushing levers and buttons, but the machine isn’t going any faster. Prolly cuz the wheels already fell off and we’re riding on the brake drums. Lots of sparks and smoke, but nothing giving way to the next stage, YET.
I hear people sounding the drum, clanging on the pots, shouting from the roof tops, that shits about to go sideways any minute. And one thing tells me that they are likely correct.
I’m calm.
I found out years ago that my psyche deals with things a leetle differently than most people. When I was involved in my first road accident, the yound lady I was with noted that I was a cool as a cucumber before during and immediately after the destruction. When I was in Kuwait, before things got sparky with a small force of the Iraqi Republican Gaurd (in some shitty little national forest there, that was barely a grove of trees here) same thing; cool and relaxed with barely a hint of waiting tension. Like the steady state of a loaded spring. When I had my little ‘spill’ on the Elkhorn, it was a problem to be worked, not a ‘shit my pants, ima gonna die’ moment.
I have no clue HOW it works, I just know it does: to many times where people around me are losing thier shit, and I’m cool and relaxed ready for the next problem, complete emotional detachment from myself and the goings-on. Usually, if I am uptight, wont be shit for a reason. Like my kayaking, flat water has me more uptight than waves. And B can attest, I’m nervous nellie on the flat but smooth as ice when things get more vertical and curvy. The only time I get stressed is during verbal confrontations with other people; maybe its from knowing that if it goes physical, I have no off-switch,,,
For clarity, yes, I do have that “OMGOMGOMG” going on in part of my brain, but somewhere somehow some other life, I learned how to shut it in its own little box and shove it aside out the way. (And that ‘skill’ was present pre-USMC days, maybe the Corps just polished it up a bit.)
That part of my brain is in lockdown right now, but the warning signs don’t justify it, and that tells me somthing BIGGER is forthcoming. Or, that something much closer to home is about to go sideways. Thats the problem with this, I never have a clue until after the fact; I just know that when I go full calm, shits about to hit the fan.
I dunno, sometimes I get a clue from my pre-urges. Like in Kuwait, I had this demanding urge to triple check the action on my rifle ten minutes before we took incoming rounds. I’d just cleaned the rifle that morning, before we started convoy out of country, but damned if I wasn’t half breaking down my rifle checking shit WHILE DRIVING. My A-driver thought I was insane. I’m not getting that type of urge currently. I did make sure that my ammo and such were secure, but it was a cursory check; like patting your pockets to make sure you have your keys before you lock the doors.
Nope, no demanding urges, just calm and patient waiting.
All I can say is, “Watch your Six, know where your friends are, and keep your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.” It may be a false alarm, but this feeling has never been false before.
Hypothesis time
You get up in the morning, you have a routine you go through, and then you leave an abode to enter a vehicle that you use to travel or accomplish some goal. The ‘vehicle’ is the center of my argument today.
What IF what we call life, or our bodies are nothing more than a vehicle and our true selves are coherent wave patterns at the quantum levels? The vehicle has a very complex computer system that allows total interaction at the physical level, but is limited to ONLY the physical. Our real existence is much broader and larger in scope and is partially accessed at times of rest (sleeping/dreams)?
What if those ‘crazy people’ are actually an evolutionary state with ‘better’ or ‘different’ computers, allowing higher functions to ‘leak’ into the physical realm?
What if I were to tell you that modern science has found that your brain is not confined to whats in your skull? That there are synaptic matrixes surrounding your ‘guts’ and that ‘gut feeling’ you get is not your imagination but that magnificent computer we call our brain recieving information from one of its peripherals. And we have terms like ‘muscle memory’,,, the brain is much larger and far more complex and every year (decade?) we find out what we knew is not quite fact. What if the quantum scientists are closer to finding out Valentine Michael Smith had the right of it?
What if all of the activity we record in an EKG is only the interface between the computer and our quantum selves?
Think about that for a moment, please.
No, it doesn’t answer the ‘why are we here?’ questions, or the ‘what happens after we die?’ questions either, but it could start to give insight into the second one. If you consider that this ‘vehicle’ we inhabit during our woke moments is just a physical interface, that when it expires we can create a new one: maybe all of the dogma is bunk.
Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be good, or not have a higher purpose to fix the evils of this reality; maybe that is why we created this reality to begin with; as a training ground to learn HOW to do whatever it is we need to learn. Its a much neater cleaner way of making mistakes, to limit them to one small rock in the universe than to screw up when your quantum self is manipulating galactic star dust.
What if the real battle isn’t ‘Good vs Evil’ but more ‘Creator vs Controller’? Those that want to create vs those that want to control everything. Growth vs entropy could be another way of looking at it.
Use that open mind of yours for a minute and see if that idea (creators vs controllers) makes the world strife around you a little clearer. If my theory of our being quantum shadows (physical representations of our quantum selves) has any merit, then the strife we see ‘here’ is a reflection of a much larger battle taking place all over the universe: growth vs entropy.
No, I don’t have any answers, just a shit ton of questions; I’m stuck in this space time reality trying to figure out the ‘why?’, same as the rest of the quantum shadows surrounding me. Maybe the cats have the why off it, but they aren’t talkin’,,,
And maybe I took a few too many hits of acid waybackawhen,,,, LOL.
(But, What if I’m right?l
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