Well then,,,

Have ya ever had one of those nights, where ya wake up, and things feel ‘Different’?

Ya,,, that was last night. Maybe it was something I read, in the kindle, in someone else’s blog, some ‘news’ item,, Dunno, but those were my only inputs outside of my “drudge life”,,, I don’t lead a real exciting existence, at least in my opinion. It keeps me content though, and thats better than happiness, again, in my opinion.

It also keeps me broke as fuck,,, but thats a different point of order. I could move my ass to a location where my skills and drive paid better, but I has my reasons for stickin’ close to my current digs. Besides, I have never been one for the ladder of society: I went down that road back in the early Aughts with Ex, and we made a ton of money and were flat frickin’ miserable, even though we felt like we were doing everything right.

and we had NOTHING to show for it after the fact of separation. (not totally true: she still owns our house. House because it was never really my ‘home’.) I literally bailed with little but the shirt on my back and a handful of tools and books. I didn’t even own my own vehicle then, but was driving my daughters car because she had lost her license through the stoopidity of ‘not maintaining her insurance’ and getting caught. She violated the 11th commandment and it bit her. I kept her car running and repaired while she straightened her life back out, and used it to build me back up, then bought my own beater.

Not long after that, I made the move here and the story took a radical turn.

Where am I going with this,,,, (you ask, I know, just not sure how to get there,,,)

This morning, I started to reach out to some other writers of blogs to ask “How do we keep going when we have nothing to say?” and I am sure that many of you have felt the ‘lack of content’ lately. Hell, I know it because the numbers are WAAAYYYYYYY down the last 6 days. Not even breaking 50/day,,, THAT is blogger purgatory people,,, I can’t draw ’em in, the blog dies. And yet, here I am paying for the ‘privilege’ of a blog site to voice myself on. I don’t want to talk about the politics anymore since it’s quite obvious to me that the whole thing is mere window-dressing on the the world, pure distraction to keep people on edge. The real goings on are so behind the scenes and out of control of the little guy, that banging the drum of warning about it is pointless. I gets one ostracized or ‘canceled’ and when you do point it out,,, Labels of anti-semitism or racist or whatever, true or not, get bandied about until they mean NOTHING,,,, but the effects are still the same. You drive some away, you draw in others, and not exactly those you wish,,,

This is not a black pill moment, this is a “what the fuck now” moment. I have been back in the wrenching business for the last couple of weeks, and like much of my life, I dive in deep in anything I do. Be it kayaking, writing a novel, I go full bore; I say it’s the INTJ, but really it’s more ADHD or OCD or Aspergers,,, It certainly is not a drive for success or perfection,,, (both of which are unicorns in my reality). I have never pursued the acceptance or accolades of anyone; not even my Da. (and believe me, that caused many years worth of angst between us.). ‘take me as I am, or piss off’ has always been my unspoken motto. That sometimes causes others to see me as Arrogant. No,,, it’s CONFIDENCE in myself and my abilities, the ones that have been tested again and again, and proven or adapted to work. (re-read, this is a contradiction: I apparently DO seek some accolades, or this blog wouldn’t exist, right? LOL. the dichotomy of my fucked up mind.)

And that brings me back to that question I was going to propose to fellow writers. I have been pounding on these keys (or some set of keys since I have worn out a couple of laptops (5 actually) and several sets of keyboards) for the last Seventeen years(!). Three blog sites, Three states, umpteen chapters of my life as I transition into new areas. Do I pursue the Podcasting thing more intently or keep the writing thing going until writing is a no longer a thing? I feel that last is closer than many think. I see the Vidcasting thing (which I have ZERO interest in) making long strides in the world of opinion and running higher numbers than anything most blogs have ever done. That seems to be where the ‘market’ is (and partly why I chose to do a podcast at all. More of an experiment and one that isn’t over, but is creating cracks in my psyche.

Its very hard to look back at 17 years of writing, seeing the gems I passed along, and then come up with new,,, There comes a point, and I know I have said this god only knows how many times: I’ll be tapping out a post and the feeling of “Beating that dead horse” is pervasive and overwhelming.

Much like the weekends attempt at the podcast,,,, I re-listened and immediately shut it down because of that, and the fact that it came across as some mindless rambling RANT,,,, I don’t do lectures,,, I hate lectures, and that rant,,, That was a lecture along the lines of WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU FRELLIN’ MORONS!!! and I couldn’t post it. I just couldn’t. It was more inline with me dressing down a Employee who had fucked up,,,,

Maybe that’s what people want,,, I mean, look at some of the better comedians of the 70’s and 80’s,,,

That ain’t me though.

or is it?

I dunno,,,, That’s the point that I woke up to.

I’ve invested in the blog, podcast thing. I am investing in my physical future as “mobile McGuyver” because I know the current situation I am in, won’t hold past a point. (and its not exactly a career oriented workplace, if you know what I mean). I keep my world small for a reason: mostly because at some point, Its very likely I will need to pack up and move it. Don’t desire the need of a 40′ moving van in that instance. (that, and over the last 20 years, I have found compact is more comfortable and maintainable, at least in my opinion.). (like everyone, I has a lot of opinions,,,, they might stink to you, but they are mine and work in my world.)

and maybe it’s just the current vibe of “shifting tides” that is pervasive in the world. again, Dunno,,, Just something in me is off right now and its showing in my writing, web traffic, and general listlessness I am feeling towards the world at large.

Whatcha’all think?

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