Careful what you wish for

Off the bat, fair warning, this is likely to be an VERY airheaded post,,,, I will try to provide links as I can find them, as I remember them, but,,,

here goes.

I’ve been feeling VERY discombobulated of late.  Lost in the weeds playing with my toes sort of discombobulated.   And I have had a hella time trying to figure out what was the bother,,,,

Well, I watched this video (and yes, I was confused at one point with the ‘lecture’ and still am,,,  “What did I miss here” sort of confusion,,, but for the most part, it hit home quite well.

This sorta popped up in my Utoobie feeds, after nearly a month of Alan Watts and some others,,,   

Coupled with this one, the two allowed me to look deeper at why I have felt lost in the weeds playing with my toes.

For the Record, I much prefer Alan over Neville, even though they are both English speakers, touching on the same subject matter, but from opposing points of view.   

NOW,,,, Whats been bugging me?   

SUCCESS.

wait, what?!?!

You heard me,,, SUCCESS.    As in, the more I look around me, the more I realize I have manifested EVERYTHING I wanted when I started my early wake up after my break up with the EX.

I have my own home.

I am essentially independently employed.

I have (mostly) all the things I had to jettison back then, back in my folds and useful to me.

I have done things that MOST people only dream of doing: writing and publishing a book, living off grid, going on adventures( kayaking, winter camping) driving halfway across the country to get a ‘new to me’ boat, THREE TIMES NOW,,,, etc etc etc.  

And I still have all of the adventures from prior that I can “boast” on,,, having been a touring audio dood for national acts, certified mechanic, Marine, etc etc etc

Whats been bothering me is “whats next?”

and in this political environment, that is a sketchy question for the normal day to day.   

AND, I have been craving moving my efforts to more desirable location,,,,  (well documented here,,,,)  Again, in a sketchy timeline,,,,

It hit me last night, that my ‘success’ has become what is holding me back.   I have quite literally ‘created’ my world to my imagination (damned close anyways) and now, its time to ’empty the cup’

And what ISN’T getting in the way is my age.   I have gone and ‘created’ my world several times now.   Sometimes expanding on what was,,, sometimes from whole cloth (as in when Amy and I split),,,,   Age isn’t as much a factor, but outside influences ARE.    IE: the economy, the immigration influx and its polluting some of the areas I am intereseted in, Not knowing if next week I will be on the active “hunter/killer” list for elimination,,,, you get the idea.

And I know with some of my older knowledge, I could walk away from society as a whole, and in 6 months be set up like Grizzly Adams,,,, But that way does not attract me as it did when I was really young and dumb.(for one, that way is WORK, A LOT OF WORK,,, I’m a lazy bastach despite what my history would tell you,,,,)(Think Heinleins “The man too lazy to fail” story.)

Not that works scares me,,, the scar tissue on my hands will tell you that I ain’t afraid to bleed or get my paws dirty to get a job done:  I just pay attention to the ‘work smarter, not harder’ maxim. 

Careful what you wish for, you just might get it.   And sometimes, when you do, and it seems right, at first, time will dictate that you were the fool.   And thats where I am at right now.  16 years gone,,, and I look back and think, ‘if only I had known this,,,,,’  

Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20,,,

sigh.

Hell, If I had known then, 20% of what I know now, I would have made much BETTER financial decisions when I was actually making the sort of money that encouraged investing.  (sure as shit ain’t there NOW,,,,  )

That figuring out why I have been in the tall weeds twiddling my toesies is why my anxieties fell off while kayaking.   My tensions are abated and that means my spine is now flexible again, not some 2×4 rammed up my ass to my neck. 

Now comes the ‘coming to terms’ with my manifesting side.   The one that pulled an RV out of the aether, the one that managed to convince Nudge that, yes, Dio NEEDED a Dawgum to keep his sanity, the manifestation that pulled a 17′ kayak out of the webs and tossed it in my path when I could afford it.   NONE OF THAT WAS ACCIDENTAL, and all of it is documented here. (or an older blog, but same point.)   

WE CREATE OUR OWN WORLDS, and if you aren’t getting what you desire, its probably because there is something in your thoughts underlying the desire.

And that brings me to the current external world of the “Fractured and Corrupt” that I certainly did NOT wish for,,,, BUT ENOUGH OTHERS MOST CERTAINLY HAVE,,,, and maybe, some that didn’t, inadvertently coaxed it into being by manifesting their fears.   Maybe I am equally guilty on that last,,,,    The whole situation is so complex, that no  one in particular is to blame, but in the same breath, we are ALL to blame.     We didn’t stand when we should have.  We didn’t punch the needy in the friggin’ face when they showed thier stoopid,,,,

I dunno where all of this is going.   Blog, this post, our future, you name it.  I am back out in the weeds again playing with my toes, but this time, I know WHY, and now its figuring which cup gets emptied out and which I drink from.  and just how to do that when the future is so hazy as to be an image behind fractured glass in a smoke filled room.

Keep livin’

Laugh to shake the walls.

Load up like the ‘end is nigh’.

and smile and pet the kittehs when they offer their heads your way.

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Edited to fix link, and to remind you, tomorrow is a ‘downer post’,,,,