feelin’,,, sumpin’.

Maybe its the weather,, maybe its the time of year where things are starting to build back up to summer ‘go,go,go,go’ levels,,,  Dunno, but there is some apathy in my soul the last couple of days, that sort of apathy where I just wanna load up camp gear and get away from things, the world, life in general and just sit, think, look at ME and see ‘what the F?’,,,

I have been feeling like I am putting my entire life on hold and I don’t understand what or why,,,   On hold from ‘What’?   Why am I putting things aside?  I have the kayaks loaded up and while the weather has a lot to do with why I am not out on the water today (rainy, cold, solo trip) I feel there is something more under the surface ‘holding me back’,

Maybe its this political climate  where we have no clue whats really coming down the pike next, or how fast or how radical it will be,,,  We can make suppositions, but fact is, NO ONE KNOWS.   

Maybe its the fact that stuff I have been talking about for years (BRICS, Needing to be more proactive,,,) are starting to show up more frequently in threads that used to blow me off as ‘nut case’: one starts feeling a bit like Cassandra and less like a voice.  Those days are the days where i just wanna pack up the blog, kick the cats out, grab a bag and wander into the wilds without a look back: no tech, just camp gear and my bow,,, That whole “Fuck the World” driven angst.

Maybe its my chosen place right now, gnawing on my soul.

Maybe that breakdown (while camping with B last weekend that I alluded to but won’t divulge here) is gnawing at me too.   Only so much I can do to rectify that one as there is more than on individual involved in it and the other side of it is the one in control, not me.   I can take some comfort in that fact, but its the sort of comfort a burlap bedspread would be: itchy and course.

And there is the whole ‘Everything is Fucked’ thing in play too.  Bills are getting paid, I have a little more extra cash each pay period and things are looking up, BUT,,,  Those are the times where I start looking for that Black Swan to swoop in and fuck up everything,,,,    I chose the name Diogenes for a reason, Cynic he was, Cynic I am.   My personal world is looking a bit more peachy, but I look about the world and see an ongoing and prolonged collapse, other aspects of a ‘world that was’ with crumbling foundations: I start to feel the shadow of that Blackswan circling overhead.

And I know,,,  I KNOW, that all of those plans in place, by asshats like the WEF, Soros foundation, etc etc,,, NONE have ANY basis in reality, and with all the evidence accumulating, are failing faster than the implementation.  GOOD, but not good,,,   The drivers behind those psychological nightmares wrapped in ideological trappings intend on destroying what they cannot hold if their plans fail.  

Logic and Reason: I am an INTJ, My world is built using logic and reason, but the world about me seems to completely ignore logic and reason, with only FEELZ as a foundation to build with.   Feelings are fleeting, ephemeral things, subjective at best, rationale has nothing to do with it.  

And maybe thats my problem.  I know my world is built using logic and reason, but I know that my emotions are the driver of my vehicle.  I try to govern the reactions of emotion, but when the emotions are being barraged by an outside world gone mad,,,

Maybe that is why I have this urge to walk away from it all.   Nature IS, she doesn’t give a crap about your feelz, she IS,,,  Harsh, demanding, but RULES, not this quagmire of feelz that change on a day to day, and no map to a future other than some illusory, emotionally driven mind image of ‘Utopia’.   A Utopia that is different for every individual in the world.

Utopia,,,    Cynic I am, I am well aware that Utopias NEVER last.   The Human Condition requires strife: we are hardwired for it.   We seek the comfort, but when we have them, expect the worst from everything.   The better the conditions we are under, the worse our anxiety grows.    It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.

Ok, Grey Skies outside, Grey Thoughts inside,,,  Time to go do SOMETHING before I implode,,,,