just flippin’ smack me

Wanna know what my problem is?   I sure did, because things have been more than a wee bit skewed into ‘wyrd’ on my end of late.   and it took hearing it casually through another person to hit the nail smack dab in the middle of my frickin’ forehead.

“without a goal to aim at, the wandering will lead you into depressions and become cyclic”

Like frillin’ DUH!!! huh?   but when you are sitting at ground zero of your life trying to detonate, sometimes the most obvious thing is the least noticed.

I haven’t had any ‘goals’ past short term things, like a kayak race or two, for well over a year now.   Before the ‘goal’ was to make a move to somewhere else, and that was shot to hell in short order, My goal of releasing Wings II has been shuttered by need of a re-write of Wings 1, and all the other ideas in my head have been so cluttered as to not be worth the 8000# of post-it notes I would need to ‘unfuck’ them.

And some of you may have noted that I didn’t BUILD anything this year.  No airplanes, no kayaks, no paddles (the ergometer not withstanding.  that was simple in comparison to my other projects.)  Those doldrums 

And then you toss in the “J.O.B.”,,,  That I have started to despise and I won’t even go into all the myriad ways that has come to be (if you have been reading here long enough, you could probably itemize them yourself and no need to be beating on dead animals over that,,)

And goals,,,,  Oh, god that goals thing.   I’m not talking the holey grail of self help peeps “PURPOSE”, just simple goals like making sure my life doesn’t end up in some ditch somewhere, looking like scenes from downtown LAlaLand.  

and to be honest, my “Purpose” was holed at the waterline many many years ago by an ex-wife and her shenanigans and believe me, it cost me,,,,   It really hurt the whole self-esteem thing, and I still have struggles that I go through that don’t always make it to the pages of this blog. (and why I am such a BIG proponent of Greg Swanns book “Man! Alive!” in the page links above.   Pretty funny coming from a Jarhead, No?   Arrogant asshole that we are notorious for being,,,,   (and so I get labeled STILL, always by some shit-stain that rose above by being inept and getting ‘Promoted’ passed along to the next sucker.   Gee, Wonder why I get called arrogant?  LOL).     What was that purpose?   To teach.

Probably a good thing it didn’t happen, or I might still be stuck in that libtarded mindset out of self-preservation,,, (though I have a friend who is a teacher and is quite conservative in his thinking, so, who knows,,,,     )

Simple solution,,, Come up with some goals, other than JUST a race come April, and start an upward cycle to my thinking patterns.   That ‘pacing lion’ needs exercise of a sort it has NOT been getting since middle of 2021.

And my Attitude at the J.O.B.    just gonna pull all of my personal gear out, and keep my mouth shut.  The next toxic event, I walk away.    Gotta keep some income flowing for a spell, and this is a craptastic time to be doing the ‘No back-up plan” escape plan.   

and in the meantime, look for some marina job or something equally silly, and get away from the arcs n sparks for awhile:  Put it back into hobby mode.

But first order is getting Wings to open up in Scrivener so I can do that re-write, and get started on that sequel, and SET A DAMNED DATE to be done with them.  Set a date for re-release of Wings, to be followed shortly by WII.  And work on new covers, better editing and possilbly hire outside help on that edit thing.   (among other aspects like formats.   Wings LOOKS amateurish, was, and it shows in the final product.)