Burning that candle

Called life

Wasting years to build someone elses dreams; when do I build mine?   And what ARE those dreams????

Fear and uncertainty: we get ‘comfortable ‘ in the known, fear the unknown, and wallow in self pity that this is ‘just how it is’,,,,, 

But it doesn’t have to be that way, breaking free of that mindset is the hardest thing in the world, I know, I’ve been trying for years.  I made one small step towards that path when I chose to go off-grid,  but it was just one small step, .

I sometimes find myself mentally pacing,  back and forth,  like a caged lion,,    knowing there is more,  not knowing how to get to it.  And some of it is self,,,   scratch that; ALL of it is self-inflicted.  My choices have determined my current state.   Some of whats eating me is TIME: I have a very real awareness of what time I have remaining and my angst is due in no small part to that.  The clock never stops ticking, though mine will at some point, and the question becomes, did I use my time wisely or piss it all away chasing quarks.   Well, I know in some ways ‘pissed it all away’ is part of that answer, and a lot of that was selling my time to others to build their dreams, on some quixotic idea that time is money.  It isnt.  Money can be saved, time is gone forever.  Money can be leveraged, time is yours and yours alone. Those that employ others are leveraging others time using this idea that money is exchangable for the most valuable thing in life: time.

And I find it to be illusions now. Time never stops flowing, and its current is as dependent on action as not. Involved actions seem to swallow time while they are happening, and empty days seem to drag on forever, yet the busy times are recalled slower while in retrospection, the dull days are a blink of an eye.

Illusions: I can hold money, but try to hold onto time. One is tangible, and its value is fleeting. What you spent money on 20 years ago may be valueless to you today. But time, that thing you can’t hold, is more precious to you, your memories of those 20 years past and the coulda-shoulda’s. Those can never be exchanged, and when you are gone, so are they. Others will have ‘the same’ memories, but from their perspective and so, your memories are special, unique, and precious, just as theirs are.

---

Not trying to run you off my readers, its this kind of thinking that gets going when the snows are flying, and not hibernating because as much as I could wish otherwise, I am not a bear,,,,

And that above is the lion pacing at the cage limits, looking, knowing there is more, but not sure how to get to it.

And I am afraid that I am that lion that has been pacing so long, if you pull the bars away, he continues pacing the same line because that’s all he knows now.

See, the last day we worked, I felt that my going back would not be to anyones advantage: most assuredly NOT to mine. I have become so bitter and angst ridden that I am the 20%, and nothing ever changes,

But its just a job,,,,

And thats the problem for me now. It’s JUST a job, one that, what benefit I do get, is rapidly fading in the economic climate, and spiritually has never existed. I enjoyed my work, but I like welding whether I am being paid or not (usually pro-pay, as the materials are quite pricey these days.). BUT, Welding is a skill that translates across many industries and I would like to find one that is not so narrow-scoped, or ran by people ,,,

Gotta stop, that angst is starting to show again.

You may notice that when I mentioned the welding above, I stated “I enjoyed my work”, past tense,,, Yeah, its rather lost its glamour over the years. And I see the former welder of the company and the shape his lungs and eyesight are in,,,, And while I do still enjoy seeing a good weld being laid out, the cooled product that needs nothing more than a good scrubbing with a wirebrush to be ready for the next step (paint, powder coat, whatever,,,,,,,,) and I take pride in my welding skills to be able to do that day in day out one all the varied thicknesses we contend with,,, But its lost its luster in my soul.

I’m pacing again aren’t I?

And too much time on my idle hands for my own health right now. Part of why I chose this weekend to do a top to bottom cleaning, not just to get rid of allergens, but to keep me so busy that I didn’t have time to dwell and pace the confines of my mind.

There is a season for everything. Winter is the season of self-reflection IMO. It may be why we have ‘New Year Resolutions’ (that oh so rarely become more than fodder for internal guilts). You have time to reflect on what you need to improve, and in my current case, it keeps coming back down to ‘time to move on’, and the things holding me back from that are self induced choices. No one held a gun to my head to take on three cats and a dog. No one is holding a gun to my head telling me I MUST be near my dad for the remainder of his days. And no one is holding a gun to my head when I get up and go into the shop at 7 tomorrow to further feed the beast that is screaming for release.

Or do I? (go in tomorrow, that is: I know who’s holding the gun to my head if I do,,,, three fingers pointing back at self)

Or do I choose this time to break free, establish my own rules of engagement with Bossman and Son, not to screw them over, but to benefit all of us:( IE, I work on call, instead of this show up for the beating every damned day even when there is nothing,,, I have a set list of tasks to perform when I am called, nothing more. I do NOT run crews.)

Financially, I have no back up in place. If I make the break now, I have to find something soonest to keep that illusion of money flowing to me, even as time continues to slide past me. That illusion is real enough when the bills are due and the four-feets want fed. Its even more real when this bodies fuel tank starts a-grumblin’-n-growlin’. We don’t run on air or wishful thinking.

Is the following relevant to my thinking? Some, especially his points about ‘building someone else’s dreams’, and wondering when his would take hold,,, And while I feel some of his anxiety (panic attacks) is self induced, I can’t say I don’t have some internal issues that aren’t affecting me as well,,, (don’t ask where this came from, it just popped into my feed and I followed through with it: curiosity got this Kat,,,)