Got to thinkin’ about what I said about the wobble board, 5 minutes of struggle while I get the kinks worked out.
I feel that is ‘root and branch’ of my anxiety. Once I am out in the rough stuff, I cool off and things go smooth, its the flat where if I feel even a little tip, I get all wonky in my paddling. Seen it damned near every time I go out too. If I start in the calm, I almost never get settled in, but if I go calm to chop to waves, I am just fine, after the first few minutes. Currents don’t unsettle me after I get my ‘sea-legs’ on, but they will if I hadn’t. I think that, along with some other issues is why I blew my top on B on the Pigeon. We went straight into a fast current and had to ferry clear across the river to a passable channel. That ferry was near perpendicular to shore and I Fought and fought and fought to keep the line, while also slap bracing whenever that boat felt even partially ‘not flat’, so I was doing a lot of correction when I should have been just pushing forward,,,
I admit it, It was an internal fight that was kicked off by several instigating points, (and maybe a touch of hangover,,,) but mostly it was ME that was fighting ME,,,
No, I still haven’t forgiven myself completely for that blow up, because it was uncalled for, and because I was being a spoiled brat about things at that moment.
And I asked long ago “Help me push my limits”, and he was doing just that.
When I went on the main lake of Cumberland in July, 2020, Denton asked me three times if I wanted to turn back. My discomfort was obvious, but my reply of “Nope, I got to push the limits or I won’t grow”,,,, and we would push on. After I got over the motion sickness, which totally caught me off-guard since I have NEVER EVER had that happen before+, I was just fine for the return trip, and was even playing with surfing waves and riding breached in the troughs. Had a blast on the return trip, even though Denton was wore out from pushing his Pelican with that sloppy Euro blade he had. I was feeling a little rubbery armed, but not as bad as he was. I describe that day as “we hit the waves and I would lose sight of him entirely even though he was only 20′ away.” The waves were that tall on that inland lake. (Serena did totally awesome there, and I don’t recall feeling ‘capsize imminent’,,, even though the waves were taller than my head and BREAKING on us. ) (side note, she may have been well past that point of ‘capsize imminent’ as my tense body calls it, but still within limits once I am loosened up. )
I feel the wobble board is helping, lots. I know that there have been weekends where I went paddling all three days and after the first day, never had another lick of trouble with the anxieties,
and maybe I am reading too much into shit and just need to do as B says, STOP THINKING<>JUST FEEL IT. (Apologies bro, I am HIGHLY ANALYTICAL, to a fault even, can’t bleach the stripes out of this zebra,,,,)
+ Spent over a year on the Tarawa, always in motion, and we saw 30′ seas off the coast of Bangkok on the way to Kuwait. No motion sickness, EVER. 5 miles of open water and waves in a kayak and as soon as we hit that ‘no wake’ zone, my stomach churned, my forehead went sweaty, and my skin went cold and I felt the bile start to climb,,, I blew past Denton like a bullet out of a gun and hit that shore before I was capsized puking my guts up. Never spewed, but damn, it sure felt close,,, Now I carry Dramamine with me, ‘just in case’.
