31 degrees

It’s all in the delivery,,,,

31 degrees outside right now. Peasoup fog (tells me the water is warmer than the air, but only ‘just’)

As stated yesterday, not going down the political holes for awhile. Gots me to thinking about what this blog is, if thats the case. Yes, my catharsis of a sort, and a way to converse that doesn’t intrude on ‘schedules’ (you can fit it in at your choosing, as I write at my choosing and we don’t interfere with each other,,,,) But those conversations tend to be one way for the most part; I talk, you listen. NOT a conversation,,,,

Thats way worse than an echo chamber,,, Tha’s speaking to the void, and that way leads to insanity in time. Greek Tragedy always portrayed the Demi-Goddess Lyssa as living in a cave far from all the other Gods and Goddesses. Lyssa was the Goddess of madness and rage (and the Rabies virus is called Lyssa-virus for a reason,,,,)

Maybe thats part of my problem,,, Living in my ‘cave’ on a hill, little interaction ‘tween self and ‘humanity’ (eww,,, icky!) other than the Day J.O.B. stuff with the rare occasional get together of friends. As I was talking with B in text the other day ” Now I just need to to shorten the distance between us” , his response ‘it will help in lots more ways than kayaking’ and a moment later we both came back with ‘Like my sanity’,,, Everyone whom knows me IRL, knows I go more than a little stir crazy out here,,, “No man is an Island” but I sure as shit feel like I am living on one at times.

By choice in many ways, and at first it WAS what I needed,,,, Time away from all the distraction to get my ‘house in order’, and I am sure, at some points into the future, I will need to go off, all alone, to pull my soul out and see what needs repaired or patched. Much like I will be doing with a certain drysuit in the future. Much as I do my kayaks now,,, Put ’em up in drydock and go over them to see what needs made whole again.

I’ve been on this hill now for 13 years. I have never been an intimate relationship for that span of time: usually half that. I found out one thing though. I am not the monster that certain Femme’s have claimed, though I am quite particular about my goals and desires. If that’s a problem for some, than they probably need more structure themselves. But more importantly, I found the most important part: I rather like ME as I am, don’t go muckin’ it up for me.

Every GF I had over the prior 20 years of my life (before I came here,,, been solo since I moved here) all wanted to change me in some way,,,

WHY? If I was good enough to attract your attention, why change me? Only, now I know that what attracted them was a narcissistic maternal drive to control a child, and they likely felt I was very childish. Hell, I admit I was to much extent, still am as I prefer to go ‘play’ (I call it LIVING) than go chasing after some aetheral goal of ‘success’ that can be cut out from under you with one new regulation, or a speaker blowing up in your friggin’ ear,,,

or a bullet howling past your head on an afternoon during rush hour. (if you’ve ever been shot at, you know the sound!)

Life changes, FAST, and I have no desire to create some ’empire’ of ‘success’ that can be destroyed by others with the stroke of a pen. My memories and my knowledge are my ‘wealth’, my efforts to build ‘just enough’ are my ’empire’. Unfortunately, that empire is in a shitty location for maintaining proper mental equilibrium.

It’s all in the delivery, right?

We live and learn, that is our strength over the rest of the animal kingdom. We tasted the fruit of knowledge which allowed us to see the future and the past, not just the here and now, and and it showed us just how ‘naked’ we truly were in the Universe. I can honestly say, by observed actions, my Katz have no concerns past the next 5 minutes, and that ‘here and now’ is not in us Humans, (at least not the ‘matured ones’, maybe the feral humanoid shaped ones,,,)(look in the “Pages” above for “Man! Alive”,,, and how language makes us human. Not my writings, but posted there to keep it alive.)

Am I still that Kid? Probably always will be, but I am matured enough to keep myself moving forward in life without dependence on others to do so. I have only taken the dole a couple of times prior, always ‘unemployment’ (both times, lay-off induced) and I HATED IT with a purple passion. The jumping through hoops to keep it going, the constant ‘micro-scope’ into my world; the feelings induced by all of that,, more the ‘getting an allowance’ aspect, and if you didn’t play by the rules, rules written by people with little basis of reality, they would ‘cut you off’.

I have little doubt that by the time I am of retirement age (WON’T EVER RETIRE,, retire means ‘remove from service’ and I will always be of service to my prefered species on this planet, until such time as I ‘lose the spark’,,,) I know all of those ‘bennies’ earmarked (supposedly) for me with a liquid date attached to them for collection, are already spent, and inflated into worthlessness. My saying “if you can’t stand over it and defend it with your life, YOU DON’T OWN IT.” applies here as well. What I own is my ‘retirement’,,,,

Now, I just have to figure a way to move it,,,, or transmography it into a more mobile form. (irk,,,)

but I has time,,, I have said, as long as Da is here, so am I (here being a location in space, not time) but when he’s gone, I’M GONE,,, Of course that ‘time’ is illusory as well. I may go out today and come to the end of my timeline, and there is nothing one can do to stop that (and we could go rounds on freewill/determinism,,,,) you can only ‘mitigate’ for a desired end, not control it.

Ok, let me wrap up with what inspired this think this morning. Carl Jung had a saying about ’emptying the cup’, Certain Eastern Religions have much the same philosphy within thier teachings. This morning I came to, (still zero dark, I’m an early riser) and started to get dressed, and realized that I have clothes in that closet I haven’t worn in 20 frickin’ years!!! Time to empty that cup IMO, and that started me down what other areas could be cleared out some, and then that went to,,,,,

and you’ve read the rest already.

Maybe it’s perverse for me to ‘expose’ myself like this for y’all,, (I’m still wearing my figleaf,,, Ya don’t get ALL of me,,,,) That’s mostly why this blog has not been obliterated into the electronic vacuum. (catharsis) And, in some ways, this (and the other two) is a memorium to a quite convoluted path to sanity from the living hell I escaped 16 years ago. (Cripes how time flies,,,,)

my biggest problem with that: in that time frame, the world has lost its collective shit,,,, and it makes me wonder if I actually have my shit together or not,,,, sigh,,,, ya never get a break do you? (not self depreciating with that remark; more to say WE never get a break, not really)

“Life, Liberty, and the PURSUIT of Happiness” The more I learn about how elusive happiness is, the more I understand WHY that phrase was put in, replacing the original Jefferson writing of ‘life liberty and property’ . And I think those words pre-defined what sets TRUE Ameri-CANS apart from the rest of the world. We are in the Quixotic state of being, tilting windmills in our quest for something so fleeting, when we think we have it, ‘it ain’t all that’, and we hare off after the next peak, hoping, praying,

I get it now.

Yeah, I’m sane; may not be ‘normal’ but I am sane.

(full disclosure: I am procrastinating heading to the lake until it warms up a bit more,,, supposed to be near 60 today, which sounds a whole lot more comfortable than 31,,,,)