Tell it like it is,,,

I’m of that age where truth may hurt, but experiance has shown that falsehoods can kill. I’d rather cause a little pain, than kill friendships or relations of any sort.

And yah, sometimes even the truth can kill those too. Especially when the one seeing the truth realizes that to continue on certain paths is a soul killer and maybe its best to end the suffering before it really begins.

There was a recent point where I was overheard saying things, and the reaction of the listener was of anger. When confronted, I didn’t waffle or try to deny anything, what I did caught them off gaurd though: I asked them “was anything I said ‘untrue’?” I still have never received a verbal answer on that note,,,,

Maybe overhearing it in anothers voice, brought them to attention of what a situation truly was. I don’t know, I have never pursued that line of thinking with them, and couldn’t really care anyway. They either know it, or don’t, and if they know it, fix it, or don’t, and if they know it and don’t fix it, then the situation is competely in their hands and any fallout from it is on them.

I live my life by my standards and my standards are kind of high for the average. Maybe in some ways, I am below that average, especially if you consider my ‘acceptable’ financial state (which I am borderline on most weeks) BUT, when it comes to advancing myself, either in eduction, or expansion of thought,,,, Yup, well above the average schmoe. I know I don’t know everything, and I know there is so much more that i don’t even know I don’t know, that I could only hope to get a smidgeon of knowledge about before my end days,,, but I know honesty, and that honesty is going to carry you further along than a pack of lies to make yourself look good.(they don’t, btw,,, they just show you for the empty shell of a hooman that you truly are.)

Writing for me can be a struggle because I want my stories to be believable. I know all about that ‘voluntary suspension of disbelief’ thing, but I have yet to find my anchor on that tool. I have to have something rooted in reality before I can give the reader a story. I guess what I am saying is, I don’t beleive I could write good fantasy stories, even though I played thousands of hours of D&D (as the DM, not a PC) and even designed a ‘world’ complete with maps and a history. (and maybe that is the tool I need to be able to write fantasy: I can do characters and dialogue just fine. Worlds have evaded me so far.)(and in no small part, I am a ‘pantser’: I write by the seat of my pants. Just like I am doing right now,,,,)

As for me in real life, I will tell you ‘how it is’ from my perpective, and if you don’t agree, talk to me about it: Prove me wrong. You’ll gain much more respect from me trying, and maybe be proven wrong your own-self, but what ulitmately happens is, we both are justified in our views and grow stronger TOGETHER, or fall away from each other and for the better of both.

my only other option is to keep my trap shut, and that, to me, is becoming ‘the lie of ommision’; more so every year. I do still “don’t say nuthin'” just to keep the peace, but when it happens, you’ll know because my associations with the person not talked to, become rarer and rarer, until I have cut them loose entirely. (if i don’t right out from the get-go)

And maybe that’s why I live up here on a hill away from as many as I can get (and my cousin moving here is making me far too uncomfortable, dammit!!) It’s much easier to say nothing at all if you aren’t around a bunch that probably should be whacked with the Clue Bat, repeatedly, and with enthususiasm.

It’s also why I can count my friends on one hand,,,, and not the whole hand. Oh, I have ‘internet friends’. but that doesn’t count IMO. Meat space is where TRUE friendships meet and grow. I can be ‘friends’ or at least friendly with anyone, especially if I don’t have to share immediate atmo with them; its when the halitosis can be sensed that things get trickier in my world. And like my standards for myself, I have high standards when choosing people I consider friends. If you get that status, you are above average (and likely know it and question how everyday.) And no, education standards are not part of it. One guy I have great respect for, is completely illiterate, so education is not even close to the top of the list. And he is an engine of inspiration. I met one of his sons recently, who can read, is in lawschool, and spent two weeks in the field working with his dad while on holidays from college. That didn’t happen because of some government program to uplift people. That sort of growth is inspired and taught at home.

I realize this post is all over the place, apologies for that. Its more of a thought dump today, and I have a lot on my mind. Part of that was started by a statement from Bossman today that had all of us emps looking at each other in embarassment. Not that what he said was embarassing to US, but that we could see the self deception as clear as day and yet it was obvious he could not: that can create an embarassing situation, and did. And sadly, I can attest that self-deception is the easiest of all the lies, in a world where fibbing is accepted as the lubrication of the gears of society. It took me many years to get over the self-deceptions I created when I was with my last EX. And I have to have those moments of peace where I can sit and reflect on the day, to make sure that I am not falling back into that role: yes, its daily, and NO, I am not perfect. I do still find myself making little white lies to ease the burden of dealing with the world at large.

Anywhoos, lots of tinks going on this cranium today (yes, it was a short day on a short week,,, but I’ll get by,,,) Thinking that mehbe I need to load campgear in BlueJean and go kayakamping this weekend, leave the phone in the drybox and just chill out and look in my ‘mirror’ some more. Figure out how to smooth out the lines that make me the ogre, and get back to that self image I prefer: obstinate jarhead that enjoys being alive.