That three day weekend, thoughts of the past, which is quite funny, since this month to date has been akin to my paddling the eddyline of a tidal rip.  Total chaos of currents under my keel, one minute pushing this way, the next the other, and in a second, caught in a maelstrom whirlpool,,,   Wild memories long buried resurfaced, memories of love and light, memories of events that in new light were betrayals of trust and friendship.   Memories of why I went down the roads I did: not all for the best, but compromises to hold an ethical line.

Memories of faces long past, faces that were last seen in the dusts of the Middle East.   Dusts, called sand, but so fine, a handful tossed into the air doesn’t hit the ground, but blows away like so much fog on the wind.   Dust that gets into the cracks and crevices of everything, slowly polishing even the roughest surface smooth like glass.

TIME

you can’t fight it.

Time and exposure will soften and distort everything.  Things that should be held dear become taken for granted.   Those that should be forgotten and left in the dust bin hold high ground, swaying opinion and direction.   We are a negative species: it’s hard wired in our brains to see the negative, hold it and recall it.  Its a survival trait.    Re-training ourselves requires serious effort, and is often thwarted by that hardwired aspect.   Holding the negative, vs learning from it, slowly poisons our souls.

I see where all of this month came from, traveled and ended with, and I feel sorrow.   But something that was holding  me back has been cast off, a deckline that was fouled has been cut away, freeing the ship to move forward again.   So the sorrow also carries a feeling of freedom again, not happiness, but contentment: contentment of a mind free of guilt, knowing that, even if there was some bad air exposed, or poisons let loose, its was for the benefit of growth.  

Let go. Move forward. Empty that cup.

The path is still wide open, no defined goal or direction.  I know why, I hold that purpose open for now, because the current purpose is still in play.   And until that purpose is fulfilled, my personal wants and desires remain on hold.  

TIME

you can’t fight it.

but you can flow with it.

And so I choose to FLOW,,,,

moving forward, with the past as a foundation, not a guide post…

Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face
With stars to fill my dreams
I am a traveler of both time and space
To be where I have been
Sit with elders of a gentle race
This world has seldom seen
Talk of days for which they sit and wait
All will be revealed

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace
Whose sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relate
The story was quite clear
Oh, oh
Oh, oh

Ooooh
Oh, baby, I been flying
No, yeah, mama, there ain’t no denying
Oh, ooh, yeah, I’ve been flying
Mama, mama, ain’t no denying, no denying

Oh, all I see turns to brown
As the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand
As I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find, where I’ve been

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace
Like thoughts inside a dream
Here is the path that led me to that place
Yellow desert stream
My Shangri-La beneath the summer moon
I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high in June
When movin’ through Kashmir

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails
Across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face
Along the straits of fear
Oh, oh
Oh, oh

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Weather had odd undertones to it today, felt almost electric without cumulonimbus structures.   Every one I talked to at the ramp were hesitant about putting on.  One guy I talked to said the fish were even acting strange.   Laying deep, not responding to usual baits.

Doing a little digging getting home, and there is an anomaly on Sol currently.

I’m not going for some of the woowoo zodiac stuff but there IS something going on: you can feel it.   About the only time i felt ‘normal’ today was sitting on shore, barefoot, feet in the sand.  Even while paddling, hands immersed in water there was a decided ‘disconnected’ feeling.   Getting home, Coz even seems more laid back today,  not as puppy-ish ( though he is giving a shoe what-for).  

Strange days?   What does this do to Earths magnetosphere?  Is Old Sol getting ready to do some serious altercatin’  or star evolution?   Will the Enemedia cover anything on this???   ROFL, yeah, right!

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God doesn’t play with dice,,,

But Universe most definitely does,,,

Feeling like I’ve done a turn in a yahtzee cup,,  

The pupper on the porch tells me that things are real,,,  they just don’t feel real.      I want to take Cozzie to the lake with me, but right now, I need the water time and Coz isn’t going deck riding on a kayak,,, Canoe, no problem,, decked kayaks suck for dawgums.(especially energetic puppers!!!)  Canoe is on the radar, will find and get, but till then, there will be “no dawgums allowed” days.   And maybe thats for the best right now.   dunno,, still scratching my head on some things, minor things, but THINGS,,, not peoples; word things,

words have meanings, but are the meanings received the message sent?   always a question in the hind mind.  

load the dice up, toss into air.   land where they may,,,  

I have spent 16 years living alone.   Many a night spent in long hours, staring into a fire, with nothing more than the sound of Voo snores and the pinging sound of heated metal as the stove heated and cooled.   You look inside on those nights, you question your very existence at times like those, you find what works, what doesn’t, you find peace or you find madness, but you will find something. 

What I found was that I am quite comfortable in my own head, in my own body.   Failing the body may be, but the mind is still sharp.   I found that even with the losses, the griefs, the pain, the loves, the angsts, betrayals, friendships, not so-friendly associations, the happy times, the bad times, the rich times, the poor times,,,,,  I’m ok.    Sometimes old wounds do need ripped open to heal.   Sometimes the scab needs pulled to find that its already healed over.  

You can never go home,,, It ain’t there.  

That was the biggest lesson I learned so many years back.    Home is where you make it, not where you remember it.   I’ve had 16 years to build from that.  Do I know where my path lay from here?  Hell no!   I know there are certain events that will take place to change my current course; or end it even, but no way to know ‘which comes first’.   Its all random numbers now.   Roll the bones,,,,

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Like a supernova, bright FIERCE, and fast,,,,

Will it always be that way with us?  

not anymore he thinks,,, the times are too short now.   

But the memories will always hold high places, and the bar risen to new heights for those that seek to replace that star.

carry on my wayward son

There’ll be peace when you are done.

,,,,,

and if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don’t know

————————————————-

See ya on the waters,,,,   Gots some t’inks in my head that need sorted.

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Came home, usual stuff, Elb’s needed reassured and fed. Cosmos; same, and noogies to make sure he knows I’m still bigger than him.   Goin’bout me evening slow-down and Da came up (I stopped by but his four-wheeler was gone,, Carry on)    Just chit-chattin’  and he told me that he had been up earlier and spent a minute with Cosmos (he won’t admit, but he likes the rug-rat) then went to check on his brother.   On the way back, saw that Cos had slipped his collar,,, TOTAL CONFUSION on poor puppers mindium,,,   Didn’t know what to do, so just stood there, till dad put the collar back on.

Time to take a leap of faith.   Needed to mow too.    Took the lead, unclipped it and let him loose while I was in sight.   Started the mower up and it was ‘game on’.   Cos was playing tag-a-long, nipping my heels (till he managed a really GOOD nip,,, and my reaction shut down that game.   ).   A few passes of the yard, and he started getting an idea of this new ‘boring’ game Daddy is playing so he started probing ahead, and checking into bushes and under the porch and generally being “Dawg”,,,,   

Carry on,,,,

mowing done, leave him off and see what he does.   

Of course, about that time, ELbee came home.   Elbs LOVES rolling fresh cut grass,,,   

Dio watches from porch,,,, Elbs rolling in exstatic frenzy,,, Cosmos starts stalking,,, Dio watches from porch,,, THE RUSH,,, Elbs bolts for the bush, Cos on his tail, Dio Snaps out ‘COSMOS! NO!’ and Cos listens not,,, But I’m watching… Elbs wasn’t doing his fright flight,,, He was staying just out of reach and running under things that Cos, being inexperianced Pupper that he is, doesn’t know how to do the over, under, around thing.    Elbs is ‘beating him up’ without laying a claw on him.    A minute of that and Cos came out of the woods ‘where its safer’ and just watched the treeline.     I was able to call him back to the porch and put him back on the lead for a bit, so I could get a shower without worry, but as soon as I was done and redressed, let him free again.

NOw, Elbs is laying on the ‘Cat’ end of the porch, and Cos is roaming around being a little bored, but doing nothing more than going over and giving Elbs a sniff or two then goin’ to look for something else to get into.

one done,,, two to go.   And of course those two are the Matriarch and her footman.   Thats likely going to a bit harder sell.   BUT, they gotta work this shit out.   I’ll keep the run handy for a bit longer yet, as there are still times where I want to know where he is.  He’s still very young and this can be a hostile neighborhood in a sense (Cuz’s PACK)   And he doesn’t have the confidence that Voodoo had.   Even a little timidity shown to a pack and the carnage is a second away.   I have no desire to go shooting dogs, but if I am defending MINE, I’ll make that AR sound like its a select fire, full auto M16A1 from the Nam era.  If the PACK plays nice, Dio will play nice: don’t let that table turn, or Dio will have to show some of his skills again.  No one wants me to go down that road,,,,

Gonna call it an early night tonight.  Long brutish day at the J.O.B. felt closer to a Muhnday than Friday: thats all behind me now,,, I has a lead free pupper laying at my feet with his head on my foot, and no squalling kittehs about it.  So far so good, fingers crossed.

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Long nights,,,   Not much sleep and its wearing.   Had to pull over and switch drivers yesterday as I was going full narcoleptic on them.   could NOT keep my eyes focused or open,,,,   

No sleep, because I am clearing lungs.   I get about 20 minutes, then I am up for 20 hacking and blowing this crap out of my lungs,,,  back for another 20,,,,

As I found out in Kuwait,,, a week of power naps is NOT sleep, it will catch up to you.

And my bod doesn’t like all of these chemicals in its system.   To say that certain smells during certain events is beyond the pale of what a schnoz can be expected to tolerate, is an understatement.    Working on that with the probiotics and yogurt treatment,,,,   but I am still taking the antibiotics so its a losing game for now.

good things though.    I absolutely can not STAND the smell or taste of a cigarette now.   The boys at work are getting a little pissed at me because I won’t let them smoke with the windows up on drives.  Windows down or put em out.   Still have the nicotine addiction going, but one pack of Velo pouches lasts me days,,,     Something internal has physically shifted.  

Checked my BP last night when I came home (and this was during my narcoleptic issues, so may have bearing) and 105/65,,,   My body was asleep,,,   Checked this AM    111/70  not quite asleep, but not my usual levels.   

My shit hasn’t been that low since I was in the Corps running 5 miles a day and all the other gung-ho shit we did. (and I was a 1 1/2 pack a day smoker then)

I’m physically adapting,,,  

GOOD!!!

Time to make an exit from the household, gotta rub a pupper head and tell him he’s a goodboy, (and bribe him so he doesn’t shit a brick hearing buffalo fire up “I wants ta go buhbye TOOO!!!!”   )  Kittums are still at odds with this,,,  Elbs being the easiest going (and the youngest, so there is that) Mama and Cos had a growlfest last night,,,,Cute but annoying since Mama was on my desk and flat REFUSING to give ground to anyone or anything,,,,    Zooms,,,    I seez him when the hungries strike and its sweetness and light to me until the belly is full then “POOF!”, off again.

Gotta get to the J.O.B.,,,,   tired,,,,    more laterrs

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THAT is what I am calling Cosmos,,,,

I yearn for the day I can let this boy loose to run with my Unks doggo Buddy: the fastest CurTerrier on the face of the planet.   They were introduced tonight with the usual stiff legged posturing, sniffs and greetings of new doggie potential friends.   Then Buddy went into ‘Catch me, TRY!’ mode and it was on.   Ol Dio was getting jerked around as Buddy was showing off his rapid moves and flat out speed, and Cos was reacting almost as fast being limited by the 195# human attachd to his 6’lead.   Not that my weight  did much…    He pulled me 20′ at one point before I could get my feet back under my center.   Unk was laughing his butt off over it.

Soon,,, I hope.  He still needs to accept the cats as original residents, not chase toys,,,    SENIOR RESIDENTS at that,,,,   He’s still young, it may take a bit.    I do not like leaving him on the lead so much as he needs to run and play and develop.    I guess I need to get him out more where I can let him do that sort of stuff.   We don’t have dog parks here, like we did in Cinci-nasty,,,  

I’ll figure something out.

and tonight portends to be a long one as he is now wound tight,,,   EVERYTHING is being turned into a game.  and I have had to extract ALL OF MY BOOTS AND SHOES from him already.   Fair use chew toys,,, No interest,,, whatever I don’t want him in is where he wants to be.

sigh,,,,,

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