Expectations

the more I contemplate on that aspect of life, the more confused I get. I mean, we all have certain expectations in life,,, a certain amount of food, shelter, clean water, or some other fluid that is mostly water,,, Little things,,, and when those expectations are lacking, anxiety ramps up.

I’m talking about the expectations that happen in social means,,, Expecting a certain outcome from OTHERS,,, where do these expectations come from? What part of my psyche creates this expectation and WHY,,, I know that I can’t control what others do, think, feel: so where/why does this expectation come into being, only to be shattered like a ship on rocks in a hurricane.

My meditations the last 24 hours are on “mindfulness”,,, being the observer, not reacting (much), NAMING,,, that last works best for me,, I observe the memory or situation, and in NAMING it, It becomes a THING, and things are controllable,,, We think in symbology, even words are symbols of thought: Naming an event or feeling, reduces it to symbol, and reduces the emotion attached to it. (and I would love to know where the evolutionary shift was from pattern recognition to symbology, that elevates us above the animal world, sorta,, we are still very much biologically animal.)

Best I can tell, expectations are driven by social experiance: that to me spells disaster since we can’t predict the future nor control the aspects of the other characters in this play. We can only write OUR script, not thiers. Just like in Fantasy Roleplaying,,, the NPC’s DO get a vote, and that vote isn’t likely to be in your favor. At least in FRP, the DM is (most likely) someone you know, and you can make some predictions on how he operates. That is not the case IRL, and still we build these expectations up, only to see them collapse.

We build expectations by living in the future. and when that future becomes NOW, and those expectations don’t hold,,, dissappointment and anxiety ensue. We so rarely live in the NOW,,, And I know that is a very common aspect of our world. we are always striving, planning, attempting to better our future self in some way. Even now, where I am attempting to reach some level of trancendence or whatever you want to call this ‘search’ I have been on; its a future self I am striving for.(and why I get so damned frustrated,,,) We ‘prep’ in anticipation that things are going to get worse, and we want a certain amount of those basics ready and waiting,,, when that future comes around, and we are looking at preps that need replaced because of expiration dates and no need for them,,, Frustration. Sometimes that frustration is felt as a relief: I didn’t need it, but I had it. Sometimes its anxiety: This shit is going to cost me 5X’s as much to replace,,,,

Learning to let go of the actor I observe, the one that builds these expectations, anxieties, fears,

the suffering that has no value

The second arrow that we always hold onto long after the fact has become memory. (memory IS the second arrow, that still strikes and causes pain, but its an arrow we shoot at ourselves.)

Name it, give it a face or a filename, and look at how you percieve it differently. Its still there, but now it has a different ‘feel’ to it. one that doesn’t bite and scratch, or doesn’t do so as hard, and eventually, doesn’t hold ANY pain or frustration for you. its just a memory; an experiance that you use as a guide, but not a foundational block in your psyche.

The problem with memory is its rudeness: it will come barging in, uninvited, and try to manipulate your reactions in a NOW state. There are times, more often than not, where the reaction your memory is trying to use, is not the correct one. If your memory says “Blow up, make a scene”, is that what the NOW state calls for? Observe the memory, TAKE A BREATH, recalculate, respond not react. (memory tries to influence reaction, Response is THOUGHT, nor ‘gut instinct’ reactions.)

YOU are not your memories, the past is the past, the future folded before you, unknown. NOW is where YOU are, and you can guide yourself to a better future by your choice in how you RESPOND, right here, right NOW.