Do you always mean what you say?

THAT, was the opening sentence in a conversation with Mal-Cuz’s GF this eve, while I was out lettin’ Voo leave piles of doo in places OTHER THAN my yard.   (he is real good about going ‘off-road’ and doin’ his business in the weeds,,, Always has been, but age is creepin in and he has ‘accidents’.)

I almost responded in a highly confident affirmative, but thought better of it.   “Mostly, with caveats,,,,”  

Well, that got me the dumb-look from the otherside of the bell curve,,,,   Had to explain.    ” I mean what I say, but you may not always hear what I think.   There are times where silence is the best option.   

BUT,

I won’t ever talk behind your back or tell bullshit stories about you.”

(and no, I am not talking behind her back,,, I let her know her question started my “writing prompt” tonight.)

Maybe, years ago, I might have done such,,,  But my time with my EX and the reasons we fell our separate ways, and some other points of introspection over the last 16 years of voluntary singularity,  

To what end?   I ain’t gonna fluff your ego, try to undermine you (unless you are really starting to cause issues) and it only causes internal conflicts with myself, IF, It doesn’t get out and cause external conflicts (gossip shit does JUST that,,,,)   

Maybe you won’t like what I have to say, in many cases, probably not since truth tends to hurt, (unless I just keep my mouth shut as I have learned around here.  Can’t fix stoopid, and there is PLENTY of Stoopid here’bouts.)  BUT, you will never be able to say I lied about you.   

There was a situation a few years back where I was discussing the J.O.B. with one of our clients.   Granted, I was in the wrong for the discussion, I’ll give you that.    What I didn’t know: My phone was still on with the bosses.

I caught hell for it.   Was even told that some of the things I had said would have gotten me knocked cold if I had said them to their faces.

But when I asked “Was anything I said ‘a lie’ ?”,,,,, SILENCE.    They knew I was in the right of the matters I was discussing.    

That situation has never been brought up again, but I feel that some many of those ‘issues’ I brought up, have been addressed since that point.    Again, I was in the wrong for the conversation from the get-go, but ‘he moves in mysterious ways’ and it DID have a positive effect.

Since then, I don’t discuss the J.O.B. with anyone NOT an agent of such.    Not the clients,(with the exception of what I post here, and I try to be obscure with it.) and many cases, not even with other Emps.   I keep my council for the bosses,,,, What I will discuss with clients pertains ONLY to the job at hand, information they need to know (like a warranty fix, where we may be waiting several weeks for the parts to arrive.)   I have also found it best to ‘play dumb’ in many case: Fact being, I have no idea what the bossmen told the client,,,   (don’t undermine the job by ignorant slip of the tongue.)

BUT, the whole prompt got me to thinking: how many people are continually on the sly.   It’s obvious from her asking the question, that she DOESN’T mean everything she says.  (and there is GOOD reason I have little trust of her, and refuse to let her enter my house for any reason.    Conversation from the porch or roadside is ‘good enough’.)

There are days where I really don’t like the majority of the Hooman race: nothing bigoted or ‘racial’, I just don’t like people in general.    Those are the days where I am quite content to work in the shop, spend time with my furry workmates (Bearbear is really good about letting me know its lunchtime,,, I wonder why?  ;-P ) and let the world revolve around me with not a care of ‘what they are up to’.   

Its my weakness,,,   and my strength in a way.

See, I am NOT uncompassionate.   Fact is, (and every psych book on MBTI will say the same) INTJ’s are SUPER PASSIONATE, but we are also introverted and senstive and our armor is to reserve that compassion to a very SMALL group.   Emotional outbursts (from others) induce the feeling of being projectile vomited on, and we sincerely wish to avoid inducing that feeling in others: so we shut down, close up and run the ramparts up HIGH.   If you are not part of the ‘group’, we can seem cold, distant, arrogant, snobbish,,,,  you get the point,,,,

It took learning that, to see it as a strength.   I know now, that the feeling I GET, is not the intention of the projector.    I can get over it, (may not like it, but I get it, NOW.) and that has opened me up to friendships I might never have considered in the way back past.  (in fact, it has improved the quality of friends I do keep tight.)

And that feeling I described, though I did not know it at the time, was why self and EX are no longer.   One outburst and my walls went up, and never came back down fully.  Years of that drove the wedge deeper and deeper,,,,

Hind sight is 20/20,,,,,

Live and learn.  One bad night should not evolve into a disease or cancer.    And now I know the signs.    I can’t say I won’t make a similar mistake in the future, but at least I know what it was and could be and if not how to prevent it (I wouldn’t,,, people need to vent.) at least correct the course before it leads to even MORE bad decisons.

Funny how it took me bailing on society to figure out how to work in society, huh?   LOL

I may never fit in very well, I have many rough edges and know that my acquired bluntness and straightforward approach throw many for a loop.    Thats alright.   I figure if they can’t handle that, they probably wouldn’t fit with the group I have found that takes me as I am.

anywhooos,,,, I’m rambling now,,,,,

Live

LEARN

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