And there are those days,,,,

Where living by a river in a van doesn’t sound so F!up,,,,

“whats under Dio’s skin now???”

Gotta read the comments at BCE’s post to get a feel for SOME of what is getting to me,,,

and in no small part, a lot of what has me  angsty (not anxious,,,) is my complete lack of focus in my life.    This is a new status for me, and not altogether a bad thing: there is a solid reason for it and even an honorable one, but,,,,

MY LIFE has zero focus right now.   Such as back in the late ninties, early aughts, I was bound and determined that I was going to be a “A SOUND MAN” and to hell with what my peers thought about it.   I worked gigs for literal dinner, no cash, just a bag of fast food.  Why? Because I knew there was only ONE WAY to get that foot in the door and that was to get someone on the inside to crack it open.   Once I had that foot in the door, things accelerated FAST and within 4 years, I was doing tours nationally.   I was damned good at my job and LOVED IT.  And that love carried a lot of weight towards getting me along.  

What I do now,,,,

I enjoy my position: I’d friggin better, since I pretty much created it out of thin air, and am the only ‘monkey’ at the shop that can do those tricks,,,,  (more specifically, WILLING to do those tricks,,, No one else wants to learn ‘my job’.)  BUT, its a dead end position.  I have never intended to stick around after Da has left this mortal coil.    That’s a recipe for an existence in purgatory.  And that is how I feel about things right now.   I ain’t shifting my resolve about it, but I am feeling a little bit like a loose line swaying in the breeze with no particular function.

And I feel often like trying to push for a certain goal, is like asking my Da to drop dead,,,, That road leads to guilt complexes and such and dammit,,,,  Yeah,,,   so I try to keep my nose to the grindstone, build small habitual rituals to maintain sanity (KAYAKING!) and sway in the breeze of time, holding on,

I was playing passenger on the road out to (and back from) our jobsite today.   My mind kept circling around “what do you really want to do? ” (admittedly, a constant thought when I am feeling such as above) and I kept coming back to three words

Desire

Service

Growth

The words themselves could have a myriad of meanings to whomever is reading them: I was trying to pull all three into something concrete that I could apply towards the future.   One of the aspects of the Desire side was “Not working as an Emp”.  Not the only part of that, but one strong aspect for certain.

And the damned thing, I keep coming back to “TEACH”.   

That fills all the points, I desire to teach, its a service, and a PROPER teacher doesn’t rest on his laurels: he keeps educating himself (growth), perfecting/polishing his ART.

and The State doesn’t like people like me to teach,,,   Might fill some kids heads with ideas like FREEDOM and PATRIOTISM or something equally “anti-social” as critical thinking,,,,,,

And I certainly can’t fake the Marxist ideals they want you to parrot to get ‘certified’,,,

Loose line, swaying in the breeze,,,,

sigh

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And even with some of the good things showing on the radar of the world stage, Like Marine-Penny getting acquited, or (even though caught) a guy offing a CEO, putting the fear in those that would make life more difficult,,,,    I circle back around to this Meme

And remember its all kabuki theater,,, What we ‘think’ we are seeing is likely exactly what those in power want us to think.   

My cynicism runs deep,,,,   It only takes 1% of the population to want to run things to make life for the remainder a misery.   Those that want to control, and those that just wanna be left alone, and the useless eaters that want to be told how to live that like following the first group.    Makes a body want to become the hermit on the mountain top,,,(hey, I sorta kinda resemble that remark.,,,,)

Live

Learn

LAUGH

LOAD.