Early Freeday mornin’

Rant, post, bilge water dump, dunno, but I am just letting the valves loose at this point to see what happens. —————————————————

Been doing a lot of online lectures and interviews, falling down a rabbit hole of a ‘psychological minefeild’ if you will. Jordan Peterson, Huberman, Brandt, a litany of others, some actual psychologists, one a licensed therapist, neuro’scientists’, political voices, and one or two that would easily fall into the ‘tin foil hat’ catagory depending on what you believe or not. Some of it is relevant information with years of study and experimentation behind it, some of it is the hodgepodge of ” ‘what if’ while tokin’ on a blunt” sort of stuff.

The studied stuff I pay CLOSE attention to, the other stuff, I toss into the maelstrom of my non-linear biological based processing unit and say “here, chew on this and try to make sense of it”

I’m doing this for a couple of reasons: 1) I need to ‘hear’ peoples voices again. Been living in my own head for way to long with only the ‘my’ voices and those of my characters (trust me, Teena can be that caterwaulling harpy at times, grates on my Medulla oblongata it does) And 2) I need those voices to help ‘retrain’ my cognitive processes: I need that vocal input to be finer edged, like my visual inputs are. When you live with Kats for years, and have the social life of a rock, you lose the ability to process human voices quickly. Not altogether, but enough it makes some situations ‘complicated’. (not being able to hear well is part of why I retreated too. Have hearing aids, and need to use the fuckers more,,,,)

But I also have some Psych issues that have been compounding. Anxiety for one. For example, when I first started kayaking, NO ANXIETY whatsoever. I recall sitting in my Carolina on the river, kicked back in the cockpit with my legs on the foredeck, paddle laid across my belly and just floating along in slow moving water, NO WORRIES. Now, I get uptight and tense if I can see reflections on the water. I ask myself “where did this come from?” and have no solid answers, but something, IN ME, shifted at some point, and I never addressed it and it has been compounding. Last week when I did the ‘get wet first’ exercise: that helped, A LOT, and I will continue doing that. I still recall when I blew up on Brudder B at the Pigeon (and there were a multitude of reasons there as to why, but ultimately, ME was the problem and I lost control.) I still hold myself to task over that,,, Forgiveness may have been granted, but not inside me.

And yet, just this week, I approached B about doing the BIg South Fork of the Cumberland river. mostly class 1 stuff, but two sections that are class 3 (water level dependent of course)

What changed?

2023 has been a VERY busy year for me for one,,,, Mental education (self inflicted), Challenged protocols and said to hell with public opinion (took BJ on two white water courses and had a flippin blast!) and I found ‘another’ boat that ‘fits me’ how I like (untested as yet, but so close to the Pirouette that it may as well be the same boat) My J.O.B. status has improved, at least financially, if not in respect (which has also grown some, with regards from Bossman)

And I am growing up,,, (FINALLY!!! LOL)

I guess you can say that, that way,,,, I am not looking at life as a chore these days. I do the Day J.O.B., not because its what I want to do (like it was when I mixed sound) but because I prefer having a means, not on the dole. And that means is paying for my Water times, and keeping me fed,,, that last is sort of important if you know what I mean,,,

There is something about the kayaking thing that my soul is demanding. It may be the peace of floating away from everyone and everything ‘Societal’, getting back in touch with THE REAL WORLD, or it may be that there are challenges there that I NEED, and then again, it may be “All of the Above” and some not listed. That pull is STRONG,, like hovering at the Event Horizon of a Black Hole Strong.

———— SO, I am basically doing ‘self therapy’, and there are some reasons I don’t list here for that: some things just don’t need to be public knowledge IMO, though I don’t bottle them up either,,, I only share that stuff amongst the well trusted and ONLY in Meatspace; but it has a lingering effect over the whole so NEEDS dealt with. I have confidence issues that weren’t obvious until this anxiety thing started rearing its head while in water. I need to bolster my self-discipline more (but I have known that one) and recognize when my struggles are due to internal dialogues, and how I can ‘steer’ this klownKar called Dio when that becomes an issue.

One thing I have found, and this may or may not help others, YMMV: I don’t ‘FORCE’ the issues. I know I need to be doing more exercises at home, not just when I get out to go paddling. Know it, KNOW IT,,, For F!’s sake: I’m fidddyFi!, youth is in the rearview mirror, and the body can be the worst tyrant if not kept in check.

But I always fight it “man, I’m beat after working all day, I’ll do it tomorrow” and tomorrow never comes (reach for the sky MF’er!) and so nothing comes of it. Well, I started doing this game with myself. Instead of saying “I need to do 5 minutes of planks tonight” (Sheer torture technique this exercise) I would get in front of the mirror and say “ya-know, that “dad-bod” look,,,, Yeah, might wanna work on that” and then let the hind brain do its thing that night. No pushing, no ‘trying to compromise’,, just self assessment and let the hind brain chew on it.

And guess what,,, The other night, I came home, jumped on the Erg for 15 minutes and then did 3 minutes of Planks. (and the dopamine rush was FUCKIN’ AWESOME!) I was fired up to ‘do something’ despite being worn out and achy back from standing on cold concrete for 8 hours. Part of my brain doesn’t like that ‘dad-bod’ look and decided, ‘fix this’,,, Certainly not the intelligent side of things that has been trying, but the ‘animal side’ that actually gets shit done.

Once the ball has started, it’s much easier to keep it rolling. Last night I did not do a thing, and today, I feel ‘let down’ by that fact. BUT, my sinuses aren’t making like open faucets today as they were last night, and I will be doing something today. If I don’t get out and put some miles on the boats, I will be doing something here at home. (I do not do weight training. Haven’t, since the last time I had, I injured my self. Found that Isometrics is plenty for me (and high reps: like 10000 paddle strokes of a 2# paddle,,,, Yeah, thats a work out, believe me.) If I do lift a weight, its low (5-10#) and to isolate a specific area for some reason. Doesn’t happen all that often and more often than not, my 10# weights are used for laminating paddle blanks or sumsuch.

Another thing I started this week: Cutting Caffiene. One cuppa in the morning, no cocacolas during the day, non-caffinated stuff during the day, and more clear water than this carcass is used to. Took a toll at first as I felt lethargic as all get out, but after 2 days,,, The energy started coming back (and may be why I had a sudden downturn of a seasonal cold,,, You change body chemistry like that you open yourself up to bad stuff too, at least temporarily. But “tis the season” so to speak.) I am trying this since there is some study showing that high caffeine levels are related to anxiety disorders, and I’ve HAD a high caffeine intake for quite awhile now. Dunno if thats the case, but hell, I will try anything once (or twice),,,, It certainly can’t hurt none (and might be a boon)

And it’s been noted that my ‘grumpiness’ at work toned down. Enough that one of my co-Emps asked if I was stoned,,,, LOL No!,,,

And I find that world events aren’t hitting me between the eyes like they were. Not Apathy,,, I still care. I just don’t get all hyped up on them the same way. Like this mess with taking Trumped off the ballot in Colorado: Meh! so the fuck what, its not like they don’t graft whatever votes they need to win on anyways. But it does open up a pandoras box of shit as “Legal Precedence” for all sorts of political shenanigans (like removing the incumbant from ballots for failure to uphold basic Constitutional Means, like secure borders,,,,) But care about it?

Why? I have no say in matters. I am once voice in 350M peeps in one country. one voice in 8B peeps on this blue/green marble circling a minor star in one arm of a galactic cluster of stars. My best efforts should be to improve my life as much as I can and hope HOPE, that my example means something to someone elsewhere and that their efforts to improve themselves will encourage others. I can’t be the instructor, but I CAN be the example, and I don’t want to be the ‘Bad’ example.

and OH, boy, does I need some improvements. I look in that virtual mirror everyday: the one I linked to within Japanese philosphy. Three ways of power, the Jewel, the Sword, and the Mirror. I haven’t the means for the Jewel, I have the Sword, at personal level, but won’t use that for power, just self protection, but that Mirror,,,,, That one’s powerful like you wouldn’t believe,,, Think about it this way: Whom do you remember the best, Emporor Hirohito, or Buddha? which one used the Mirror and which the Sword and Jewels.

And the Mirror is available to ANY that would look for it. Or look INTO it. Are you a reflection of your strongest beliefs, or a reflection of a whacked out society going through emotional breakdowns due to Technological upheavals and political malfeance?

Look into that mirror, you may not like the answer, but if you see it, you can fix it.

or at least TRY

And that’s the first step, RECOGNIZE

R.A.I.N. recognize, accept, isolate, negate. (there are other accepted versions of this, but this is the one that works for me)

—————

Not too long ago, I wrote in a post “I’m tired, dog tired, of this world, the bullshit, the politics, TEH STOOOPID,,,” (paraphrased,,,,) but this week, not so much. I’m feeling more alive this week, anxious to get moving, but a healthy anxious, not the nervous anxiousness I have been fighting. Like I mentioned: I approached Brudda B about doing BSF, not the other way around. Now, I will say, I won’t do that route with anyone else at this stage, and the reason is “TRUST”,,, I know there are others that are more than competent, but they haven’t established the trust factor that I have with B. I bailed on a run with another group because of that trust (lack of). I had no issues with that trust factor in April with CKY and that WW class, but that was due to my having already been on the river twice before. Fresh water PFD(personal first descent)? not so much. Now, if either of the instructors from CKY were to offer to lead me down that route, I would consider, because they both earned some Cred with me in that course. Others, left unmentioned; well, when I see their antics, I shy off. (and I got to see some of those antics while at CKY,,,, go on kidz, has fun, but I won’t be with ya,,,,)

I’m not so tired now,,, I know where I stand, what I can deal with, where I need to improve, where I can push limits (how a body grows up,,,) and that whatever the world does, I will respond accordingly, as needed, and until then, I do ME as best as I can. It’s not a ‘fuck the world’ attitude, its directely relateable to “Don’t tread on me” as in, Don’t tread on me, and I won’t tread on you.

And I see those figureheads from around the world that grab for power and see how hollow they actually are. They build this image for power but inside, they are shallow little things with nothing of merit, no ‘belonging’, no connection to Reality past ‘more power’

I pity them. I know that when they are reabsorbed into the Quantum cloud, they will be disbanded/obliterated into basic parts to be sent back: lesson unlearned, try again. THAT, to me, would be “Hell”. (and I just hinted at some of my beliefs,,, Does it counter ‘Christianity’ in anyway? IMO, they are completely compatible, minus a bunch of dogma.)(that dogma can be used to explain a lot though, as Jordan Peterson has shown me,,, I just don’t abide the bible thumpers that demand “jezuz is the WAY,,, NO OTHER!”* with zero explanation of morallity or ethics, as if just making the claim is ‘enough’,,, As my G-Ma said, ‘your mind (soul) is like a jar of peanut butter, you can’t use it if its closed.’)

I’m gonna stop that thread right there before it starts a kat-fight in comments. I can defend my position, but I refuse to do so in the electronic arena where faces can’t be seen, or punched, when out of line. Too many bad actors that get to play with zero accountability and willingness to say ‘shit’ because they need not worry about ‘payback’ (just change accounts and carry on is the MO when the heat is on.)

The quick and dirty for the TL:DR crowd,,, I am feeling better about myself, the world and my age within both. and while I have some outside issues that are not under my control, I am at peace with them. ( if you’re reading this Ang. I miss you and the kids,,, The door is always open, and always will be,,,)

So, keep on livin’ , nuff said.

sub note*: I do have a bias here,,, A lot of that stuff was FORCED on me as a kid and many of the actors in that play were cardboard cut-outs of our current PTB,,, The hypocrisy was rampant, and I recall that over any moral uprightness. And I did grow up during all the Evanglical Turmoils and corruption which only reinforced my observations of “Grifters using Religion for personal gain”, though at the time, I didn’t have that synopsis, I just knew it wasn’t right,,,,And I see much the same thing happening within the Catholic ranks now, with the so-called “Anti-Pope” and the message shifts to abide by “Woke” ideology. At least now, with comms being so ubiquitous, you can see there are solid factions within the ranks that aren’t buying the bullshit, and that eases my mind that ‘maybe there is something to this’. I still hold my beleif that we are quantum beings in a compressed energy shell for ‘reasons’, and when this shell gives up, we return to the cloud for assessment (the makers judgement) and either return to complete the task, or remain in the cloud to become something much greater (heaven)

Anywhoos, I talk too much,,,,,