No regrets,,,

The year was 2008, August 5th to be exact, when my personal TEOTWAWKI peaked. I say peaked because up to that point, my life had turned into a complete living hell, having suffered hearing loss and losing a career I absolutely loved, finding out my Partner of 7 years was involved in another long term relationship: and it wasn’t until that day, when I was told in no uncertain words, I had no chance at all of recouping 7 years of efforts.

I became a literal whirlwind and destroyed our mutual office, (my venting the anger before it became a murderous rage) then told her to go away for a couple days and I would move out and we could figure out the property issues in a more civil nature, but that at that time, I was no one to be around. The next 48 hours, I didn’t sleep, I held a yardsale and sold all of my stuff that I knew I was not going to be able to lug with me, sent some of it to my sisters for safekeeping (tools) and found an apartment near the college ( I was working at the hospital at the time in an IT support role.)

And my life began to make changes.

I changed my name, not out of desire, but due to ‘rules’ on a site, a name that is still with me to this day. A Name that was needed to be able to grow as a person, because there was just so much baggage attached to the other name,,, I needed a fresh start.

Well, Diogenes Hill, (thatsameee!) was born like most people are, in pain, misery, into the cold world, but with a chance that the old ‘me’ would have ignored because it wasn’t ‘liberal’ enough. I needed that conservatism to grow.

Oh, how I wish I had been introduced to Jordan Peterson then,,,, No regrets, I’ve found him now, and vicarious mentor that he is, thats enough.

Remember this one thing: You have to do the work. No one NO ONE is going to do it for you. EVER. Not God, not Jesus, not your wife/husband, your children (especially not them) NO ONE.. Only you. If you have to take a new name to do it, then DO IT, but find out what makes yourself tick, what things need changed so that you can find that break in the ruts you have dug for yourself, and only YOU know those things. The things you excuse away as the eyelids fall so you can get some rest, the things you know you do wrong but to not do them feels harder than climbing Mt Everest.

Some of the things Jordan talks about, I have been doing for years,,, its that self-introspection thing I am (irritatingly) known for. I examine everything I say, EVERYTHING. I may write stories, but I Tell the Truth IRL. Maybe some find that to be a curse in some ways, but, if you are bullshitting your way through life, you earn BULLSHIT. And there are times where I felt bad because I didn’t tell the truth; in fact, I said nothing at all because I felt the person that needed to hear it wasn’t ready. Those points are getting fewer between, but still happen: that goes right hand in hand with JP’s rule ” Tell the truth, or at least, don’t lie.” Don’t lie means keep your peace IMO. Or change the subject away from the area of contention. I don’t like to do that last since that was what led up to the breakup that tore what was left of my world apart.

My biggest obstacle I have, self inflicted, as really, they all are, is Self-discipline. My personal resolve has become shaky, and I can hand you so many excuses: I know them all because I tell them to myself frequently enough,,,, But MY resolve needs a tune-up. There are things I need be doing, that come the end of the day I hit “I can do that tomorrow” phase,

But tomorrow never comes.

I have been doing a little better over the last couple of months on ‘little things’, but to be honest, I am never satisfied,,, I need to push myself harder. One area I have been pushing, but needs more ‘umph!’ is paddling, but not just the paddling itself, other aspects of it, like rolling. Why that? Because it is the penultimate recovery method when shit goes sideways. All the others increase risks of harm/exposure. (and oh, if you could hear the conversations between Jamie and Dio when this stuff comes out on the water,,,, Yes, I talk with both of my personas: they are the same person, but not the same personality,, Does that make me pathologically insane? I don’t think so. I find they balance each other, and it does give me the ability to look at a situation from two diametrically opposed views. And this isn’t split personality issues, they are both ME,,, and make up the ME I have evolved into since 2008. )(note, I do have a roll, but not great, not practiced very much, and little confidence in it at this point. I need to change that.)

Heres the real kicker. I answer to both names equally. Like someone in your family calling you some pet name, and your business associates calling you by your birthname or surname: you respond just as freely. (though when the Mama starts calling you by your first, middle AND last name, ya might wanna find a place to hide,,,,) There is no hesitation because Diogenes (short form Dio) is me just as much as the name I was given at birth (which my sisters morphed continuously for my entire childhood.) I don’t hide this

I don’t hide behind this. My contact email has my real name in it. I have to use my birth name on all legal matters so that name is going no where. I published one of my books under my real name so that my Da could see it on something other than a subpeona before he leaves this mortal coil: somehing he could show his friends and say “My son did this”.

But somehow, someone recently took offense when she found out I have two facebook pages. (the one under the birth name was abandoned years ago, I just never deleted it: have you TRIED to delete a fakebook account? Damned near impossible because, even though you created it, its ‘yours’ perse, its also a revenue generator for FB and they don’t want you to go away,,,, Just because stuff on the Nets is ‘free’ doesn’t mean its free. If you can’t see the product being sold, YOU ARE THE PRODUCT BEING SOLD. Keep that in mind when you sign up on these social media sites. )

‘and there I go again,,, shifting tracks mid journey’

Better discipline. Needs it. Had it at one point but losing it was easy,,, Sheer laziness,,,, Time to make like the Stoics and start hardening up MY WORLD again,, not just hardening up for the world to come.

More tomorrow.

(FYI, if you haven’t checked out Jordan Peterson, do so. He isn’t for everyone, but then, no one person is. BUT, I think you will find his voice to be quite refreshing in comparison to the turmoils that are spewed on the regular these days.)