more to life than existence

one of the big things I keep running into (a wall if you will) is ‘means’.  

I have means, but I wonder (sometimes in slight envy) at how some people ‘just do it’, with no apparent means to do anything,,,,

I’m talking about people going on adventures of a sort with no means of support, no safety net, and no back up plans, and come out thriving.

Feckless I feel, constantly chasing that carrot of ‘means’, and never having the,,,,,   Scratch that,,,never FINDING the time to go off and live

My current situation; being an empty nester, but having furries that count on me, being attendent to Da in his waning years, and chasing the almighty dollar in a time when its life expectency is in question,,,,   Where is “My Hill” that I need to conquer.  

Three things I wanted in this life

1: a daughter, to be a great dad

2: to teach, learn and teach more

3: to not be stuck in the rat race of living to exist.

Of those three, only one has seen success; I had a daughter, but due to issues between her mother and I and the courts systems, I was never able to be that ‘Great Dad’,  I know the few times I had with her did have a lasting impression, but now with the world having gone mad, and ‘something’ going on, on that end of her world, I wonder,,,,,  I wonder quite a bit actually,,,  enough that I still harbor an unhealthy resentment towards her mother. (and some would say a well deserved resentment, including Snakebite, my sniper buddy in the Corps,,, who offered to remove her from the equation for a ‘three rounds and six pack’ after meeting her for only 12 seconds.)

That teaching thing,  been round and round about it here,,, no need to dwell on that, and there may be a chance yet in the future where that can come to fruition

and as for number three,,, I keep getting pulled back into that rut of rat race,,,,  I had found my way out when I went national with tours,,, enough time passed that I forgot what it was that I had ‘escaped’ and became convinced I wanted to be Joe Normal again,,,  

Boy was I wrong.

Anywhoos,,, Reading “Greenlights” I was caught up in his first adventure of going to Europe and traveling by motorbike, on  just a couple grand,,,,,,   I watch a pair of friends running around the country, chasing foamy water, getting a reputation as a world class WW boater, and her growing her artistic talents to the point where she is becoming in demand for certain things; and teaching it, no less,,,   So you can see where my vexatious envy falls in place,,,,   I know what it is, and bite it back, cheer her and him on, and look for “MY Hill” to conquer. I watched Mark E over the year he did the Greater Loop and think ‘I could do this,,,,’

I will admit, some of what holds me back is my chosen commitments: Da, my furries, especially those last because they don’t understand that Daddy has a life outside of thier demands, and I was raised that you don’t re-nig on promises: especially to those dependent on you (and part and parcel of why I hold so much resentment to my Ex-wife,,,  My re-nig in that case was forced on me,,, Not a choice on my part.  Had it been on my part, I would feel mass guilt, not the pale illusion of guilt I hold because I ‘didn’t do enough’.  )  

Were it not for the Kats (Voo is long enough in tooth that he may not be an issue for much longer, sad as that day will be,,,)  I don’t see a way to move forward without farming the fuzzies off to others: in the case of Grizzy, that would be soul wrenching, to both of us I feel. Mama would go to whomever takes the house because this is HER HOUSE, and no other will do. Zooms,,, He is so aloof the Tom, I don’t worry about him. He will find a niche wherever he chooses, being the feral; trust is given sparingly, even to me.

Ah, now I am circling that which is really bugging me. Maybe i should just get to the meat of the matter and stop driveling . Whats eating at me?

I ran away from society, and I sort of miss it, but the fifteen years since I did so, that society has morphed further into what I ran away from: liberal insanity and consumerist drives. Everyone wants to tell you ‘how’ but no one ‘does’. And that festering has encroached here closer. I jumped down the throat of one of our employees that is always telling the others how to do the job, but I never see doing anything himself; just giving directions and can’t talk and work at the same time. He would likely trip walking trying to chew gum. While I did that, a part of my brain was whispering ‘talk about calling the kettle black’: self doubt is growing as well.

My faith in people is broken. Faith in myself is broken too. Has been and the cracks keep growing. Watching Marks journey and his interactions,,, that , is that what I seek? Do I need to do the “walkabout”?

Or is it that I am trying to find ME, and the not so demanding me that I have developed into: a Me that is willing to let others be them and not try to drive them to something they are not,,, That quote from one of our emps ‘we can’t all be you DIo!” comes to mind. I argued that I only want people to improve themselves, and I stand by those words, but what if thats the problem: no one wants to improve? Where does this curmudgeon find solace with that?

Are the above symptoms of the disease that is killing this country, manifesting themselves in me? Or is it that the choices I made have ended up down the wrong path of the labyrinth to a dead end and I am looking for the escape hatch? Are my questions leading and circular, creating a positive feedback loop that is a downward spiral?

I feel its time to ‘empty the cup’ again; walk away from everything for a time and pull the soul out for a serious inspection. Reduce my world to simplest needs, not desires or drives. And I struggle with it because I feel obligated to others.

No rush, just airing out the closet of my mind right now. more laters