reality-quakes

Those are what I feel we have been through over the last twenty-four months.   The entire fabric of our world has been in upheaval and everything we knew is being shredded around us.  

Not everything, but NOTHING looks the same as it did when we left out 2019.  The map still looks the same, but the territory has made some serious evolutions. Maybe the opposite, the territory is the same, but the maps have changed; I dunno. Seriously though, if someone had told me in 2019 that we would be back at 1980 levels of cold war paranoia in 2022; I’d have laughed at them, openly and mockingly.  Yet, here we are.

Granted, not all of the reality quakes I have gone through are strictly from outliers of the Enemedia and Domestic traitors.  One of my personal quakes was losing my Ma, and almost losing my dad.    For my Sis, it was several things, a cross country move, losing mom and almost losing dad, a near fatal accident that turned her and S.O,’s world end over end, literally and figuratively, and a couple of other things that had her flying all over the country.    She is feeling scattered and more so than I, and I hope that this little blurb of my seeking solace and G&C (ground and center) will help her as well.

See, all of this stuff has had a major effect on me by forcing me to lose focus of MY needs.   I know it has my sister as well.  We are very alike in our ‘need to create’ sides and both of us have seen a serious decline in that area.   Still putting out something, off and on, but no where near the levels to vent that need, IMO.

My reasons have been for focusing on Dads needs more, and even though I will continue to focus on his needs, I will make time to focus on mine as well.   One of those needs is water time.  I need the time on the water, time away from ‘the real world’ to get my thoughts gathered, organized, and prioritized.  I also need to make time to do what I am doing now, Sitting and Writing.   I haven’t written one word on the Wings sequel since August of last year.  NOT ONE WORD.   I haven’t even opened the file since December, and for that, I’m kicking myself.    Now, in my defense, but its really just an excuse, I am troubled vastly by the amount of STOOPID that is taking place in the political world, and if you have read Wings, you know that my expectations of what was going to happen in the 2020 elections, didn’t, but what did, was far stranger.  That disparity has me wanting to go back and do a complete re-write of that aspect of the book, and maybe fire up the direction for the sequel, and that desire to re-write comes with a price tag on it.  The differences also show me one thing I have been saying lately, already knew, just not to what extent and even now I don’t know the full depths of it: that the enemy we should have been fighting is already at the controls and is Sociopathic, Schizophrenic, and Manic-depressive with suicidal tendencies.   And its not just here in the states, but spreading to other countries as well.    

That fight,,, when you are barely a mosquito sized blogger,,,  Daunting isn’t strong enough a word.   And there are days lately (you know them because I don’t post anything those days) where that fight is too much for me.    Yesterday was one such, and the thoughts I had are now here.  I need that ground and center, and I need to be SELFISH and focus on my needs as well. And one facet of those needs was hammered home by friends: B and T, my kayak friends.   There is a race upcoming, two weeks out.   With all of the running around and truck stuff, and lack of income, I had blown it off and decided that I would just be a spectator this round, and maybe not even that, since its a bit of a hump to get there(and gas ain’t free).  NOPE, Not allowed!  T went out and registered me for the race, paid the registration fee and told me “you need to race!!!”.   And she’s right.   I need something to make me stop focusing on the shit thats tearing my world apart and start focusing on the things that build it back.   Getting water time is one of them, and racing kayaks, while not the most important part, gives me the impetus to get my lazy wobbly ass back on the water.  I may not win races, but I do compete, and to compete you need to be in shape; I ain’t.   Two weeks, and I probably won’t be ‘ready’, but I won’t fall out either.     B is even more enthusiastic than I: he signed up for the long distance race of 13 miles.   I chose to not do that due the damaged wing still not being 100%, and not having paddled more than a puddle in 9 months.   T is doing the SUP race of 3 miles(?) so the whole ‘family’ is going.  (and I don’t think the promotors are going to be able to keep Bubby off mom’s SUP,,, LOL)

But Kayaking is only one point in my ground and center needs.   I have all that machining and casting and other things going on in my head as well.   And I need to sit down with the Da and find out EXACTLY what his intentions with ‘moving’ are.   I go where he goes, PERIOD, because I will not leave him to his end days alone.   (and I think in no small part that is one of the things that is weighing heavily on my Sis.  She made that move cross-country and my mom left this reality during that time.  I take issue with the ‘guilt’ thing, because my mom was the type to use guilt in insidious ways, but I know how that plays out when you can’t confront them.  And now, there will be no confrontation, it has to be dealt with solo.). (and in some ways, I am just as culpable to that guilt, seeing how I am going out of my way to be as close to dad as I am, forgoing my own needs in some ways,,,)(yeah, lots of thinking on things, not world related in this post, as well as spilling personal stuff I usually leave well enough out of the picture.). Yeah, I need to nail dad down on what he wants (I know he wants out of this hollar, other than that,,,    Makes working on my plans long term a bit difficult.)

So, I have kayaking that I CAN handle after the workdays (and more daylight to do so), and dealing with Fuzzies and homestead, and a race coming up that I have to show in, hopefully, place, but I know I have been down for a while and I am realistic in my abilities.  But I also have all these little machines running around in my head demanding they be built next.   Those are the things that keep me up at night, trying to figure out where the hell I am going to build the shop to make the little buggers in.   I keep looking over my property at the place I started putting in foundation for it, before the world started rotating about the y axis.  It isn’t a money issue either.  I planned on doing this on the cheap from the git-go, using poplar poles from the woods locally, and I still have around 20 or 30 sheets of Tin roof, and it was going to be open air on half anyways (open walls, in the dry) since foundry work is HOT, as is Blacksmithing.   I just need enough enclosed for the machines to stay dry.    BUT, if Da wants to move, I am not going to make the effort here to only need to repeat it elsewhere.   And I won’t lie, I hope he does make a move, because selfish me would like to be closer to places with better opportunities and more reliable services.   (note, the county has not touched the road to my house in 4 years, and finding anyone that will talk about it is chasing ghosts.  Unk and I have been filling the potholes and ruts ourselves.   When Rabbit was the Magistrate out this way, all the little backwater places were taken care of, but the new dude, not so much.  I don’t even know his name and no one else seems to either. They don’t even mow the main road leading to here anymore, even though county added 10 positions to that department.   Services are reduced, but the county Gov grew, as well as the taxes they demand,  hmmm,,,)

And i have to focus on the improvements I have made in my life as well.  Despite the loss in incomes over the last 2 years, I have improved my credit rating, and made some other improvements in my little world.  I have been making baby steps towards the future where I know Dad won’t be.   Not looking forward to THAT day, but I know it will happen: no one gets out alive, and in that we are blessed. (I also know that he is no longer scared of that day.  ). I don’t think I could handle immortality.  

Hell, I know I couldn’t.   I have re-written my own life several times now, and I know there is another re-write coming.   I try to keep as much of the old in place as I can, but people move on, change when they don’t move on, and the person you thought you knew is no longer, including yourself in some ways.   No one moves through your life without leaving a mark of some sort.  “I ain’t changed, but I know I’m not the same” (wallflowers-one headlight)

And I still wanna fly,,,,