Self Esteem

Something that we all have, good, bad, diabolical, total crap, angelic,  etc etc. 

Mine, and I’ve had it argued otherwise,  tends to be on the low end of things.  Its part and parcel of why I do so many things,,,  I’m always looking for ways to improve ME, and sometimes that translates as activity outside of ME.

I’m currently reading ‘Limitless’ by Jim Kwik, and his writing is paralleling some of my recent thinking.  (I’m only into the second section but I keep seeing the parallels).  And what I keep seeing is how victimization is actually low self-esteem with a pointed finger.  Yes, there were teachers (multiple facets for that term) in my life that ‘helped’ damage me, but ultimately,  I assisted by allowing the damage to take root.

Finding those roots is my current project.  Assigning them a persona/character/name will be simplicity itself because of one aspect I already have down pat: fictionalizing myself.  If you have ever read ‘Illusions’ by Richard Bach,  you will be familiar with this concept.  (And that you are reading this means you are engaging with my fictional self, with some bleed over from my ‘real’ self.) (What follows is my publishing what I am doing to accomplish my project; lots of curves and twists ahead.)

If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.

Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

I’m plenty real.  My Persona ‘Diogenes’ has real friends, I answer to Dio just as readily as the name on my birth certificate, both personas share a body, a mind, but the two are NOT the same person.  The ‘real’ me would NEVER have had the balls to learn to roll a kayak.  The ‘real’ me is the one that always wants to run and hide when shit gets out of the comfort zone.  Diogenes is the one that leans forward and falls into the water without flinching. Diogenes is the ‘McGuyver’.

The problem is always the same one. The ‘real’ me is still the most prevalant inside.  The ‘real’ me is the voice whispering the negatives. 

I mention frequently that I am an INTJ.  The real me and Diogenes are both that, but Dio is more centrist on the Introvert scale where Jamie is the dedicated recluse that would prefer to be the guru on a mountaintop that no one knows about. 

When I started blogging, Diogenes was born; he was my fictional self that I used to vent the pressures of watching the world come apart at the seams.  I had no friends, didn’t want any and only wanted to learn everything, anything, and just melt into a computer form when I finally succumbed to information overload.

Diogenes nixed that with a vengeance.  Diogenes is the ME that stood in front of several groups of Patriots during the Patcom phase. I wasn’t being fake, I was more real then (and now) as Dio, than I have ever FELT as Jamie. (Does that make sense? Yes, to me anyways.)  Some would say that this is signs of a personality disorder.  I disagree.   If anything, its no different than someone assuming a different identity back in the days to protect their life (the French Foreign Legion anyone?).  Its the solution to ‘fixing ME’ without falling into the victim mentality that (seemingly) afflicts the world. And while Jamie does come forward (quite a bit over the last weekend dammit) those spells are getting easier to deal with, and shorter.

See, Dio was actually conceived during BootCamp, but never born until a name was given. Jamie is a whiney little brat punk (just ask my sisters) that needed several swift beatings and more than a couple ass kickings. I much prefer Diogenes. (And to add to the confusion surrounding ME, Dio answers to being called Jamie as well.)

So,,,,, I was born James, called Jamie since time outta mind, and evolved into Diogenes, in spirit and occasionaly namesake (in certain circles). Dio is the guy that stands ground, and leads the way, while keeping Jamie tucked in the back to organize all the information. Jamie is the one that is going to get the characterization of the whisperer and the one that gets yelled at when the whispering gets too loud.

So, I am Diogenes, but I am also Jamie. One needs to be the dominate force and that choice gets finalized NOW.

Hi! I’m Dio, how ya doin?

More as this project progresses.